Making Out #5: Claire Gets Caught (or, Why Claire Rocks)

I had forgotten that Girlfriends: Dancing in the Dark ended with a ski trip, which really makes it the perfect segue for Making Out #5: Claire Gets Caught. I’m actually pretty happy to be thinking about snow as I’m experiencing sweltering heat at the moment.

 

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Pictured here, Claire is kind of sexy. But, uh… she also kind of looks like she’s 45. And tired… very tired. Also, where is the part in her hair? Is Claire a member of the Hair Club for Men and Women? *shudders* I wish you all could see the FUGLY outfit Claire is pictured wearing on the back of this book. It really looks more like something KA would describe Nina wearing… but worse. Very ’90s, though. God, the ’90s sucked in a way…

Claire Gets Caught starts out with the characters filling out this lameass YM or Sassy-style quiz. Of course they have to do it in their shitty, impossible-to-read (except for Nina and the guys) handwriting. Bo-ring.

Next Zoey is at the beach with Lucas. He’s been surfin’ USA in a snug wetsuit and while Zoey’s all hot and bothered she still won’t put out. That pretty much goes without saying.

Once Zoey gives Lucas a sufficient case of blue balls she heads over to Nina’s. Claire is on her widow’s walk and spots Zoey. A snowstorm’s a-comin’, Claire says, and wouldn’t it be bitchin’ to go skiing in Killington, Vermont? Zoey agrees. And so Claire’s Plan (to win back Jake) is set in motion. Zoey enters the Geiger home and she and Nina discuss Ben.

Meanwhile, Christopher is staying at Aisha’s family’s B&B to recouperate after the beating he took. Aisha and Christopher almost share a kiss, but Aisha thinks better of it.

Back at the Geigers’ there is more talk of skiing. Claire uses clever reverse psychology to get Nina to agree to go on the trip. Claire figures if all the Islanders go on this trip Jake will just have to.. and then a sexy time they shall make.

On the ferry our young women talk more about the ski trip. A Beavis and Butthead reference is made, and I am giddy about this. Incidentally, my coworker reminds me of Beavis and I’m giddy about that, too.

We see more of Ben’s super powers as he is able to recognize Nina by smell alone. Lemme tell ya… I’ve met my fair share of blindies and I’ve yet to have one say ‘Oh, Di, I knew it was you because I could smell a subtle yet alluring blend of Diet Coke, burritos and With Love by Hillary Duff.” And I’m not sure if there’s a typo on page page 37:

Ben: I have powers far beyond anything you punny Earthlings could comprehend.

I think that should be “puny”, but knowing Ben he might just say “punny”. I wish I could ask KA about this.

Ben guesses that Nina is wearing cotton undies… and she is! This is not the first mention of cotton undies in this series. Don’t these gals ever go for lace or satin? How puritanical.

At Ol’ Weymouth High Mr. Schwartz tells Zoey about newspaper article he thinks she should write. Mr. Schwartz is supposed to be THE sexiest male teacher at Weymouth High and is described as having “rockstar hair”. Does that mean he has a mullet? Please tell me it’s a mullet!

Anyway… the article is about alleged drug use on the Weymouth High football team, and Schwartzie though of asking Zoey because, not only is she a kickass journalist (I’ll bet), she used to “go with” one of the guys on the team. But Jake couldn’t be using drugs! He’s so clean-cut.

After that comes some Jake stuff which is mostly boring, other than the fact that Jake doesn’t believe he and Louise got freak-nasty.

Claire joins Zoey, Nina and Aisha for lunch in the cafteria. Zoey worries about the sleeping arrangements at the condo where they’ll be staying. Claire doesn’t think where they’ll all sleep is any big deal. Thank you, Claire! I’m getting more than tired of Zoey’s squeamishness about the whole sex thing. Nina, Zoey and Aisha all seem reluctant about the ski trip.

Jake finally finds out that he and Louise did, indeed, fuck. He’s really perturbed by this because, well, it was creepy that Louise would do a barely-conscious guy. Also Jake is a huge square.

School’s out, and Claire convinces Ben to go on the ski trip that Nina has not yet told him about. The Plan is totally working!

Lucas goes to visit Christopher at Aisha’s and convinces him not to get a gun. Next Lucas heads over to Zoey’s. Zoey’s not home, but Ben is. He mentions the ski trip to Lucas assuming Lucas was already invited. Lucas was not, and is pissed at Zoey for keeping the trip secret. Good.

We find out that Zoey owns a Mariah Carey CD!

There’s more of that damn relationship quiz and, seriously, Zoey is making me feel bad about MY boobs. Shut up, girl. You don’t need big’uns. You have a sexy man and a sexy journalism teacher. On this particular quiz question (I think it was “rate your partner’s looks, then your own”) Claire answers “Who cares?” Um… why did I dislike her the first time I read this series???

Chapter 8, Jake works out. No one cares.

In Chapter 9 Nina suspects Claire is after Benjamin. Ah, Nina, if you only knew of The Plan! Zoey, Claire and Aisha have gym class with Louise, who acts like some kind of 1950s ho. She wants some man to support her so she can fuck her tennis instructor during the day. Actually, it doesn’t sound quite so bad…

Louise alludes to the fact that not ALL the kids on Chatham Island are virgins. This shocks Zoey. She probably thinks her own parents are virgins.

Later that day Zoey decides to ask Jake to go on the ski trip so she can ask him questions for her story. Man, The Plan could not be working any better!

Jake saw Zoey and Claire talking and thought they’d found out about him and Louise… but Zoey just wanted to invite him to ski! What a relief! Then there’s more that quiz, which is hardly a relief.

Chapter 11 consists of both the guys are the girls shopping for ski essentials (since the whole crew has now agreed to go on the trip). Their lists are hilarious enough that I must copy them here.

Zoey

1 flower print night flannel nightgown (JC Penney) -Lame

3 pack of cotton underwear (JC Penney)– See, there’s the cotton again.

1 Paula Cole CD– Lame

2 pairs LL Bean heavy woolen socks

1 pair ski pants

1 blue satin nightshirt (Victoria’s Secret) – Finally something from Vickie’s… but still not hot.

1 Swiss Army knife

3 books: “First and Forever”, “Fireworks” and “Sweet Savage Love”

2 rolls 35 millimeter film

1 sample-size shampoo

1 five pack of razor blades

1 Chapstick

Claire

1 pair ski boots

2 pairs ski pants

1 leather miniskirt (Filene’s) -Hot

1 wool-blend sweater (The Limited)

2 pairs LL Bean heavy woolen socks

1 sample-size shampoo

1 pound French Roast Coffee

2 books: “Amos, Amas, Amat and More” and “The Last Wilderness”

1 Chapstick

Aisha

2 books: “Skiing for Beginners”  and “The New Guide to Skiing”

3 pairs LL Bean heavy woolen socks

1 pair gloves

1 Ace bandage

1 bottle Advil

1 pair ski pants

1 pair green satin pajamas (Filene’s)

1 sample-size each shampoo, conditioner and Crest

1 small loofah sponge

2 magazines: “Ski” with article on Killington and “Marie Claire” with article Why Men Lie

Nina

1 Prodigy CD

1 large bag peanut M&M’s

2 pairs men’s boxer shorts

4 pairs LL Bean heavy woolen socks – Man, these girls are giving LL Bean some business!

1 Barney the Dinosaur mask (Spencer’s Gifts) – Now that’s trying too hard

1 sample-size Afta Shave

3 temporary tattoos

1 Thighmaster -RAWKS!

1 Chapstick

Jake

1 new binding

1 pair new poles

1 pair sunglasses

1 hand-grip exerciser

1 bottle Afta Shave

1 Chapstick

Christopher

2 books: “Skiing for Beginners”  and “The New Guide to skiing”  -Awww, Aisha and Christopher bought the same books ❤

1 pair gloves

1 bottle Listerine

1 bottle CK1 cologne

1 box Trojan sensi-ribbed condoms -What a romantic combo, dude!

Benjamin

3 CDs: BB King, Blues Traveller and Mozart

2 books on tape: “A Morning for Flamingoes” and “The Wine-Dark ski”

1 scarf (hopefully black)

1 bag Jolly Rancher watermellon candy -Yum 🙂

Lucas

1 bottle Scope

2 packs Tic-Tacs

1 box Sheik condoms -Lucas, you cheap piece of shit. You couldn’t afford Trojans or Durex?

After all this excitement Zoey gets a talk from her ma about staying safe and not driving drunk and shit. I almost fainted because Zoey said she’d had “one or two beers” before. Holy shit!

The next morning is the drive to Killington which is as boring as you imagine it is.

Once at the condo everyone argues over sleeping arrangements; the guys don’t want to share beds with guys and neither do the gals. I love Claire’s thoughts here:

She was trying to set up a nice, romantic weekend here and get in some skiing, and between Zoey’s outraged chastity and the guys’ terror of homosexuality, they couldn’t get past stage one.

Once again, thank you, Claire.

Finally everyone but Nina and Ben goes out to play in the snow. Ben thinks Nina stayed behind out of pity and the two get into an argument.

Outside Claire is trying to race Jake down the mountain. They both fall in the snow, and this brings them together. Later, when mentioning an all-ages club, Jake uses the word “scrotes”. This tickles me.

After fun in the snow Aisha hottubs it (I so need to try a hottub) and meets a sexy Estonian guy named Pyotr. How random.

When nightime falls everyone hits the hip and cool all-ages club. And I wonder… how do the characters “dance” to Pearl Jam? I can’t imagine how I’d move my bod to those tunes. Answers, please?

Nina gets jealous over Claire dancing and flirting with Ben. Nina confronts Cliare, and Claire tells Nina of The Plan. Nina seems impressed by the cunning this plan employs.

Aisha dances with Mr. Estonia because Christopher’s off dancing with some ho in an Orioles hat. Zoey dances with Jake and brings up her story. Jake thinks Zoey knows about his cocaine use (because Jake’s a stupid chode who doesn’t realize what a stupid chode Zoey is) and storms out of the club.

Back at the condo Nina and Ben (who, in case you didn’t guess, went back to the condo) make up. Bow chicka wow-wow!!!

Outisde the club Jake tells Claire about all he’s been through lately (although he only makes a very vague comment about the sex)  and that he feels Zoey set him up. He forgives Claire for accidentally killing his brother, Wade, and Jake and Claire make up.

Lucas takes Zoey out to the van for some private time. I’m so jealous, guys! Well, I’d be more jealous if he had good condoms, but whatevs.

Aisha had gone to Pyotr’s hotel room to look at pictures (really, Eesh? Lame) and when Christopher sees her coming back so late he’s all ripped about it, because he’s a hypocritcal douche.

Back in THE VAN Zoey refuses to have sex with Lucas.. AGAIN. Lucas is not quite as bright as the rest of us, so he’s, like stunned. He tells Zoey he’s sick of her crap and he doesn’t have to wait for her frigid ass. Kinda harsh, but I can’t react to the full shittiness of his behavior because I think Zoey should have grown up, pulled down her cotton panties and put out, for Chrissakes. So, yeah, those two are broken up… for now, at least.

Zoey tells Ben she’s going home early. She takes the bus, gets back to her house and finds her mom in bed with a man.. who isn’t Mr Passmore!!! Oh, noes!!!

All-in-all this was pretty good. No one had sex, but Claire ruled and her plan totally worked. We can’t expect all the couples to be happy at once. And personally I think it’s kind of hot that Zoey’s ma is gettin’ some on the side… but I think that’s because I’ve been paying too much attention to Dan Savage and Tristan Taormino.

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One Response to “Making Out #5: Claire Gets Caught (or, Why Claire Rocks)”

  1. I didn’t know that I should add coffee to Claire…

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