Making Out #6: What Zoey Saw

Well, folks, I’m a tad pissed off as my weekend is dissolving long before it’s even started, so I figured now would be an excellent time to occupy myself by blogging.

 

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But, um, this one focuses on Zoey. If you’ve read my reviews on books #4 and #5 you know I loathe Zoey. Some days you’re just outta luck…

Lucas on this cover was not really how I pictured him. For some reason he reminds me of Jay from Degrassi: The Next Generation.

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Decide for yourself.

Our book begins with what pretty much all these books begin with… someone’s crappy handwriting! This time it’s Zoey’s mother’s handwriting in the form of a letter written to Zoey on the day she was born. Awww! Obviously Zoey was meant to read it later.

As you recall, Zoey had caught her ma in bed with a man who was not her hubster. Zoey’s back in Maine moaning and groaning about this new develpment while the rest of her Chatham Island buddies are finishing up their bitchin’ weekend in VT.

Jake and Claire hot tub it after skiing. Claire notices the way Jake ogles her maracas and realizes she’ll probably never again have the kind of relationship she had with Benjamin. You know, one where her man of choice won’t ogle her tatas. Claire also realizes Jake’s “limitations”. Basically, he’s a dumbass sandwich on moron bread.

Lucas calls Zoey from Vermont. She doesn’t answer because she’s so distraught over her mom getting porked by another dude. Also Zoey’s a bitch.

The Chatham crew goes to dinner at “The Lodge” or some such. Nina, Benjamin and Aisha sit together. They talk about Zoey’s relationship with Lucas as well as whatever the hell kind of relationship Aisha and Christopher have.

Zoey agonizes over what to do about her mother’s affair. Zoey agonizes over getting dressed in the morning, so this comes as no surprise. She recalls something her mother wrote in that little baby journal (in addition to the first letter it contains one for every year of Zoey’s life up to age 16) that inspires her to search through a box her mother keeps in the attic. In this box are letters from…

FRED MCROYAN!

That’s right, kids. Zoey’s mom got plowed by Jake’s dad. Not only at the beginning of this book, but before Zoey’s mother and father were married. In fact it was while Zoey’s mother and father were dating! Now that’s hot! Zoey doesn’t think so, though. I guess I wouldn’t find it hot if my mom did my ex’s dad, either.

After this monumental realization we have another letter from Ma to Zoey. This is the one from Zoey’s 8th birthday where Ma mentions that she heard about Chatham Island from “a friend”.

The next morning at breakfast Zoey confronts her mother about the sexy time. Zoey threatens to tell her father. Zoey’s mother tells her that life is not always black and white and that she should stop being such a self-righteous bitch. Actually, I added the self-righteous bitch part, but it fits, doesn’t it?

Lucas was up all night tossing and turning over his troubles with Zoey. So of course he drives most of the way back to Maine from Vermont. That seems like an accident waiting to happen, but no accident ever occurs. That’s a relief.

During the ride Christopher takes down the license plate number of a guy who appears to be one of the skinheads who attacked him. It is suggested that Christopher take this information to the police, but instead he wants to be a dirty jackass. Didn’t you watch People’s Court, Chris? Don’t take matters into your own hands!!!

When Benjamin gets home (I love you, Ben!) he notices something’s wrong with Zoey. I noticed this a long time ago… she sucks. Oh, and that whole adultery thing’s bugging her. Pish, posh. She doesn’t tell Benjamin about this, though.

Back at the Geiger household Nina is wondering why Mr Geiger hasn’t gotten hitched (or really dated, apparently) since the death of her and Claire’s mother. Nina thinks she and Claire should tell their father it’s OK for him to date. Claire agrees with this but wants to be the one to do the talking because she doesn’t think Nina will be tactful.

Meanwhile, Zoey’s making another one of her corny lists. This one is reasons to tell and not to tell about Ma Passmore’s indiscretion. Zoey makes a big deal of the fact that Fred McR has a family. Well, duh, Zoey! The best person for a married person to have an affair with is another married person. That way your secret lover doesn’t bug you on holidays and shit when you’re supposed to be spending time with your loving family.

Zoey is reading a Fred McR letter when Nina comes in. Zoey stashes the evidence and Nina asks Zoey for the details of the whole Lucas debaucle.

Now that he’s recovered from the beating, Christopher is leaving the B&B. He expresses jealousy over Aisha having hung out with Pyotr from Estonia. Christopher and Aisha exchange kisses that send warm tingly to those certain parts of the body.

Lucas is watching Zoey’s house from his back porch (reinforcning that creepy Jay Hogart thing) when he sees Zoey come out and throw out a white trash bag. Christopher shows up and asks Lucas if he knows how to track a license plate number. Lucas, still reluctant to give up the names of the attackers, suggest that Christopher go to the DMV. Christopher finds this satisfactory.

Then we have another Mom letter. This one is from Zoey’s 10th birthday when Benjamin is about to have surgery on a brain tumor. Included with this letter is a really shitty poem Zoey wrote about her family. It might not be as shitty as the turkey poem I worte in third grade but a) I was younger and b) you try writing a poem about a fucking turkey.

 Morning comes again and Lucas and Zoey make up, though Zoey is still preoccupied by her family issues (it’s really hard to come up with new ways to say “Zoey’s pissed about the affair”). Jake takes his drug test and gets a stern lecture from his coach.

Next, stupid Christopher goes down the street where he saw the skinhead’s car turn. I’d like to add here that Janet and I used to ride the bus with a guy who had “White Power” tattooed on his neck and not once did we have the urge to see where he was going. Anyway, Christopher is able to figure out which is Skinhead Man’s house. Great…

Lucas goes over to Zoey’s house and finds that she’s removed all ther Post-It notes with corny quotes on them. Gee, that’s a shame. Lucas and Zoey end up watching TV with Pa Passmore, Nina and Benjamin. Once Nina and Lucas go home Zoey asks her father various questions about when he and Ma Passmore were dating. Benjamin is starting to get suspiscious.

 There’s another Mom letter here. This one is from Zoey’s 12th birthday. Mom is so proud that Zoey has started menstruating! The whole thing reminds me of that old commercial for Monistat (or a similar product) where the lady says “A woman goes through a lot in her life. Becoming a woman. Childbirth. Vaginal yeast infections”. As if the last is as traumatic as the first two.

Katherine Applegate usually likes to do one chapter that’s like a timeline. This one (chapter 11) begins with Zoey waking up at 6:31 am. She has Jewel playing… ewww! Anyway, she and Ben walk to the ferry together. He asks why Zoey was givng Pa the third degree, making a Singled Out reference in the meantime. God, I loved that show… but only with Jenny McCarthy.

At school Mr Schwartz (the CUTEST teacher at Weymouth High!) asks Zoey if she’s gotten anywhere with the drug story. Stupid Zoey FINALLY thinks Jake could have been the one using drugs.

After this Claire, Aisha and Zoey have gym. We get a nice mental image of Claire naked… rrrrrowl! Aisha finds Chris (who is equipment manager for Weymouth High) and asks if he’d like to have lunch. He says he’d love to do so tomorrow, but he’s busy today. This makes Aisha think Christopher is cheating.

At lunchtime Aisha’s nowhere to be found and Claire gets Nina to leave the lunchtable. This gives Zoey the opportunity to ask about Jake using drugs. Claire reluctantly admits Jake did use coke.

Aisha follows Christopher to a scrubby part of town where he buys a gun. Chris, you FUCKNUT!

 We’re presented with another Fred McR letter where he writes to a pregnant Darla (Zoey’s mom, obvs) that she doesn’t have to stay with Jeff (Zoey’s dad). F McR says he’d be happy to marry Dar and raise the baby as his own. F McR as Benjamin’s surrogate dad? Creepy.

During the final period of the schoolday Zoey ditches and goes to F McR’s office. She tells him to stay away from her family. F McR says it was a one time thing. While this is going on Jake comes into the reception area and sees Zoey talking to his father. He thinks Zoey told his father about the drug thang. Zoey thinks Jake knows about the sexy time between their parents so she inadvertently spills the beans.

After school both Lucas and Claire end up at the football field waiting for their respective beloveds. Both see Jake and Zoey together. Jake and Zoey hug, she kisses his cheek. Claire and Lucas assume the worst. The two, both angry, run into each other. Lucas alludes to what Claire does not yet know about Jake and Louise.

Nina sits by Benjamin on the ferry. Benjamin says RHCP is like Bach with more F-Words. There’s more “rushing warmth” between the two of them (Nina and Benjaming, not RHCP and Bach) as this is KA’s preferred way of expressing natural genital responses during arousal. Benjamin almost utters the L-Word. Awww 🙂

Zoey and Aisha are both in shit moods. Zoey wonders where Lucas is.

Aaaaaaand… he happens to be going for a drive around Weymouth with Claire. Claire flirts with Lucas because she can.

Back on the island Aisha heads over to Christopher’s to search for the gun, which she plans to dispose of. All Aisha finds is a Playboy hidden under the mattress. Why is Christopher, an adult man who lives on his own, hiding a Playboy??? Aisha decides to wait for Christopher.

Christopher, at work at Passmore’s, is nuts about his new gun. This makes me nauseous.

Lucas visits Zoey and tells her about Jake’s cocaine use (which Zoey knew about) and his romp with Lay Down Louise (which Zoey was unaware of). Zoey flips but doesn’t tell Lucas why.

Once Christopher returns to his place Aisha tries to convince him not to use the gun. She makes good points, but Christopher is kind of a dick, so who knows if anything sunk in?

During the night Ma and Pa Passmore have a huge argument. “Are you happy now?” Zoey’s mother asks. You can tell it’s important because it’s part of the little snippet towards the front of the book that’s supposed to make you buy the darn thing.

Zoey and Benjamin take a walk. She tells him what she knows. Then we have one last F McR blast fromt he past where he writes to Dar pleading with her to marry him. We all know how that worked out…

In the next chapter we get a little comic relief when Nina decides not to wait for Claire to give Pa Geiger the “thumbs up” on dating. Nina tells her father the opposite of what was discussed… that Claire thought Pa was an old fogey who needed help dating but Nina thought he was still good-looking and would do OK. When Claire comes down Pa Geiger’s about to give her the business.

It’s drizzly and shitty out as Benjamin and Zoey walk to the ferry. They’re both distraight, blah blah blah.

We get a glimpse into Jake’s thoughts (zzzzz). His relationship (zzzzz) with his father is forever changed. Wait, what happened?

Aisha runs into Lucas and asks if he helped Christopher obtain a gun. Lucas, of course, says no.

Rather than give Benjamin space, Nina badgers him into telling her what’s wrong. Benjamin realizes this is just what he needed and he tells Nina he loves her. AWWWW!!! 🙂

Lucas asks Zoey if she still loves him. She says she doesn’t know… because she’s a cunt.

Homeroom’s a-startin’ with all its announcements. One is about SATs which Claire is eager to get over with. Um… at this point it’s after the homecoming dance and aren’t thos thingies usually around Thanksgivng (although that particular holiday wasn’t mentioned). My point is, Claire’s a senior and, I took SATs in September of my senior year! And I procrastinated like hell in doing that! But, anyway, Claire tells Jake she knows about the whole Louise thang.

Aisha goes to the equipment room to try and stop Christopher from doing something idiotic, but he’s already gone with the equipment van. Shit on a shingle! Aisha tries to find Christopher but gets pulled over for reckless driving. Christopher lies in wait for the skinhead on Brice Street. The guy finally comes out, and Christopher is threatening to shoot him.

In the meantime, Lucas is frustrated by Zoey’s actions and asks Claire to go for another sexy drive. In the car the two are about to kiss.

Zoey and Benjamin learn their parents are separating. Zoey’s all “This is all your fault, Mom! You’re a piece-of-shit cuntrag and a I hate you forever!” Or something. But then Pa Passmore tells Zoey that’s not quite the case. While Ma Passmore was hooking up with F McR Pa Passmore was hooking up with an American gal in Europe. The woman now lives in Portland and Pa has seen her a few times since he’s been married. Plus

 

(wait for it)

 

(wait for it)

He fathered a child with this woman! Yup, Zo and Ben have a sister. Pa Passmore knocking up two chicks is way too Maury Povich for me. Did he even have any paternity tests done?

And that’s the end up the book!

Stay tuned, kids. The next book shouldn’t focus on Zoey’s big ass so much.

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses to “Making Out #6: What Zoey Saw”

  1. Jeez, I pretty much forgot about these books. I saw a girl on the schoolbus reading them, circa 1998, thought they looked sufficiently teen-trashy, and ended up borrowing them from her. I think I’ve read the first 10 or so of the series. Do you girls have any plans to recap more of them??

  2. Yes, I have some more that I will recap!

  3. Wow, i was going to buy this book, but couldnt find it anywhere!
    but now i’ve read this, i get it, so i dont have to buy it, thanks (:

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