Girl Talk #1: Welcome to Junior High!

Girl Talk was, like Making Out, one of the less-successful series. Re-reading Welcome to Junior High I’m not really sure why that was the case. I mean, BSC got so much hype and were those girls really so much more interesting than the girls of GT? I wouldn’t say so. All those BSC bitches ever did was, uh, babysit. And I don’t even like little kids, so I’m not sure why I read so many of those books.

The book series was part of the whole Girl Talk empire which included the game (so much fun) and a TV show (somewhat less fun)!

Now the Girl Talk gals are a little more down-to-earth in my opinion. As twelve year-olds they don’t enjoy more career and dating success than I do at 24. You have Katie Campbell, the organized and athletic blonde Then there’s Randy Zak, the New Yorker with a bitchin’ hairdo… long in back, spiky in front! Woo! Allison Cloud is a shy and intelligent Native American gal who is already 5’7″ and, like, wicked worried about that. Cry me a river, girlfriend… it must be so rough to never have to get your Sevens hemmed. Well, they didn’t have Sevens, but you get my drift. And, finally there’s Sabrina Wells, a petite and dramatic redhead who is the focus of this first book.

I had forgotten these books were written in the first person. So, as I’ve sad, it’s Sabrina narrating this one and she’s about to start junior high! Sabs ends up being late for school because her douchebag older brothers hogged the bathroom (she has four brothers, including a twin named Sam). When Sabrina gets to the registration office she has to deal with a secretary called the Human Pencil for her appearance. That’s rich, dude.

As if being late isn’t embarassing enough Sabrina walks into 8th grade math instead of 7th grade math! Oh, noes 😦 Then instead of sneaking out quietly as she’d planned Sabs trips and falls right into the lap of a hottie 8th grader named Alec… he looks just like Tom Cruise! Oh, Sabrina… if only you could see how Tom Cruise ended up. It’d crush your heart, sweetie.

Sabrina gets to the right classroom and sees that a girl she knows from 5th grade, Allison Cloud, is in her class. I guess Bradley Junior High doesn’t separate kids based on ability the way my middle school did, because Sabrina thinks math sucks and Allison is a huge nerd.

After math class Sabrina has band. The kids at BJH have to share lockers and Sabrina’s locker partner is Katie Campbell. Sweet! Sabs likes Katie but they never really got close because Katie had a best friend who apparently was her lesbian partner and that serious relationship prevented her from making other friends. But the life partner has moved to Beverly Hills (say hi to Brenda for me!) and Katie’s back on the market again.

Sabrina sees sexy stud Alec and asks Katie what she should do. Katie tells Sabrina she should go ask Alec how he’s doing but once Sabs is about to do this Alec heads straight for Stacy Hansen aka Stacy the Great aka the principal’s daughter. Stacy is a snotty, full-of-herself whore who has the nerve to wear heels to school! Why does Alec like her phony ass?

Katie, Sabs and Sam all walk to band together and sparks fly between Sabrina’s twin brother and new friend. Eeek! Also Sabrina’s jealous because Katie is a flag girl and Sabrina had to go on some suck-ass fishing trip when flag girl tryouts were held. It’s all good, though, because Sabrina’s not really the type to be a bitter bag of bitchiness and she’ll get to march in the homecoming parade with the band, anyway.

Speaking of Homecoming, Bradley’s is only six weeks after the first day of school, which would make that occasion fall somewhere in October, no? If you read my Making Out #6 blog you’ll recall the Homecoming discrepancy I had there. Is my town the only one where Homecoming weekend is also Thanksgiving weekend??? Actually, I don’t even remember if that was the case when my HS finally had a semi-formal dance with a queen for Homecoming because I couldn’t get a date.

Back to GT… after Sabs is done with band class she has to use the can. Always in a rush, Sabrina flies into the bathroom and collides with a tough-looking girl in a wild outfit (leather bomber jacket, t-shirt covered with palm trees, ripped jeans, unlaced sneakers). It’s Randy Zak and she is totally intimidating, y’all!

Sabrina has a rockin’ ensemble, too: a yellow dress with purple flowers and green leaves all over it… and it’s in two pieces that can be worn separately! Sabrina purchased this number herself at her favorite store, Dare. I think we’ll be hearing a lot more about this place! Meanwhile, how funky is Sabs’ Roses in the Rain lipgloss? It actually smells like roses!

Following this fashion interlude comes homeroom with Ms Staats. We really could not have Girl Talk without homeroom because it’s the period that brings Sabrina, Allison, Katie and Randy together all at once…. sha la la la! For some reasons Ms. Staat’s homeroom is in charge of the homecoming dance and she’s split the students into teams. Katie, Sabs, Al and Randy are in charge of decorations and Sabrina is to lead their little team. What the fuck is this? Don’t students normally volunteer for this type of thing? BJH is sounding more and more lame with each page I read.

At lunchtime Sabs announces to Katie that she’s on the Zuma Beach diet and that day is her “fruit only” day. Great example to set for the kids, L.E. Blair. If your series were more popular I’d blame you for today’s weight obsessions.

With chow in their hot little hands Katie and Sabrina make their way to the back of the cafe to sit with Allison. Along comes Stacy the Great with her pals Eva, BZ and Laurel in tow. She informs Katie, Sabs and Al that they’re sitting at HER table. Damn, bitch! It’s the first fucking day of school and you already have a table? Go and get oral gonorrhea, you skank.

Sabs tries to tell Stacy off, but to no avail. Just when it looks like The Great has won Randy comes along and knocks into that high-and-mighty ho, getting food all over Stacy’s stylish outfit! HA HA HA! Howdya like that, trashbag? Randy eats with the gals and I can feel a new friendship a-forgin’!

Finally it’s eighth period. Sabs is waiting for science class to end so she can get away from her mega-dork lab partner, Winslow Barton, and head the fuck home. The bell rings, Katie and Sabs start to walk home together and grab Allison on the way. All is bitchin’ until Stacy the Great comes on the scene.

Stacy has something she’d like to read to Sabrina… it’s Sabrina’s self-improvement notebook! In it she’s written goals for the year like “No more junk food” and “Be more polite”. Stacy starts reading this shit to all the surrounding students! Damn you, Stacy! Now you’re just being a cunt for no reason. Sabrina’s Body Blush starts (she gets red EVERYWHERE, not just her face) and she’s powerless to stop the humilation.

But here’s Randy Zak to save the day! She grabs the notebook from Stacy and tosses it to Sabs. Allison states that rule #14 in the BJH student handbook is “Do not tamper with other people’s property at the risk of expulsion.” Way to be a dork, Al.

Friday afternoon comes and the first week of school is over! Katie and Allison go to Sabrina’s for a decoration committee meeting. Randy was invited but didn’t show. Sabrina has a wicked cool attic bedroom with wicked furniture and tons of magazines lying around, God, I miss Teen, YM and Seventeen. The gals talke one of those awesome quizzes: “Is Your Romance Too Painful?”

Sabrina’s romance (with Alec) IS too painful! Aaaaaaaaaahhh! This is dire news fo’ shizzle, dude. Al and Katie comfort Sabs and Katie says she can talk to one of Alec’s friends on Sabrina’s behalf! Yay! My friends never tried so hard to help me score. Actually my Beavis-esque coworker was kind of invested in my love life for awhile but apparently the only dudes he could find for me were Republicans. Yuck! Whatevs.

The gals are Sabrina’s mom’s brownies (which sound like they were made using a Paula Deen recipe) when Sam busts in with his friends, Nick and Jason. Sam invites Katie, Al and Sabs to play Around the World with his peeps. I cringe at the thought of this because I play basketball about as well as Charlie Sheen practices abstinence. Everyone has a rip-roarin’ good time. Sabrina particularly has a good time with Nick. She thinks it’s too bad she’s developed a preference for older men. I think it’s too bad I’ve developed a preference for men who aren’t douchebags.. I could be getting mad dates otherwise!

Three weeks of school have passed and Sabrina tries to approach Randy about the dance decorations. She’s distracted by another bitchin’ outfit Randy’s wearing… this time it’s leopard print spandex tights, an oversize sweater, black high tops and a pony-print denim jacket. Rawk! Sabrina give Ran props for the hot duds and Randy has split by the time Sabs realizes she didn’t get to bring up the decorations. Shit on a shingle!

Turd sandiwch Stacy rears her turd sandwich head again to tell Sabs to stay away from Nick… cuz Stacy USED TO like him. Jeez, girlfriend… you can’t tell bitches to stay away from dudes who WERE your man. Even if you tell bitches to stay away from you current man you’ve got no guarantee… you ain’t the boss of anyone, ho!

Again Randy comes and saves the day! She says, “Lay off my friend” to Stacy. Further more she tells that “bingo brain” to “buzz off”. Was “bingo brain” a popular insult in ’89? I was only 5 so I don’t recall such a thing. Anyway, Sabs gets to ask Randy about the decorations. but Randy says she isn’t into that shit.

Sabs heads to Fitzie’s to meet Katie and Al. Sabs is wearing black pants, a white tee and a purple an orange vest. Guys, I’m color-blind… is it OK to wear purple and orange together? Because it doesn’t sound like it would be.

 Katie is already at Fitzie’s… with Sam! He’s suggested some shit-tacular “Welcome to the Jungle” theme for the dance and Katie’s all “Oh, that’s great”. Then Sam goes and puts ketchup all over Sabs’ fries knowing Sabs thinks ketchup sucks. Oh, hell to the nizzo! Sabs books it outta there running into Alec and Stacy on the way out. God, life sucks.

That Saturday Katie and Sabs go to the high school football practice so Katie can inform Alec’s friend of Sabs’ interest. And then I guess the friend would tell Alec… very junior high 🙂 Now we sit and wait…

Or we don’t, because it turns out Stacy the Great has asked Alec to the dance. Damn, she’s slick. Now down in the dumps Sabs has to attempt to make decorations on her own as everyone else is busy. The theme is supposed to be “Lost in Space”, an atmosphere Sabrina doesn’t really know how she’ll achieve.

Sabs runs into Randy and ends up spilling all the art supplies she grabbed for the dance decorations. Sabrina ends up crying. Randy is actually trying to comfort Sabs when Randy’s hottie friend, Spike, comes along. He looks like Johnny Depp, Sabrina’s second favorite after Tom Cruise! Turns out Spike’s band is playing the homecoming dance. And Randy comes up with an idea for decorations! Yay!

The big parade is here and Sabs is first clarinet. Totally nerve-wracking… but impressive! Before the parade starts Nick asks Sabrina to the dance, but they have to get in formation before Sabrina can answer. The parade goes well except for some harsh wind, and when it’s all over Sabrina gives Nick a big, ol’ ‘yes’.

The next day our committee is hard at work decorating the BJH gym. Randy’s father is a director and she got all sorts of funky lights from him. The idea is to make the gym look like the inside of a spaceship. They’re even borrowing a smoke machine from Spike’s band. i didn’t know ninth grade bands owned smoke machines.

Randy has hooked up some lights to a light organ and wants to test out the effect. She puts on the song “She Drives Me Crazy” and Spike and Sabs bust a move. All of a sudden Nick and Crew show up and Nick starts acting all weird.

Then there’s… Telephone Talk! I know some people hate this, but I never minded it because I eat up dialogue with a spoon. Even shitty dialogue like this.

Nick calls Sabrina and tells her he can’t take her to the dance because he’s an asshole. Sabrina calls Katie and says she can’t go to the dance and is going to hang herself because Nick dumped her. Katie calls Allison to tell her of the dilemma, then Allison calls Randy so she can save the day yet again. Seriously, Randy’s like Spiderman. Randy calls Sabs and says “You’re going to the dance, bitch. Meet me at my place at 6 or I’ll cut you.”

It’s the big dance and the gym looks awesome! Sabs is standing around feeling awkward while Katie dances with Sam, Stacy dances with Alec and Randy and Allison tongue-kiss each other backstage. Because Stacy is obsessed with Sabrina she and Alec go over to her after the slow song ends. Stacy tries to hate on Sabs outfit but it’s truly hate-proof: leopard leggings, black crop top, black mini, white sneaks and big leopard hoop earrings, all courtesty of Randy. I want that outfit so badly it hurts. Alec is even bold enough to say he likes the leggings. Later that evening Stacy cuts his balls off and sews them to the inside of her handbag.

Sabs is just not feeling cool (which has gotta be difficult with what she’s got on) and decides to sneak out of the dance. Suddenly Spike dedicates a song to a special gal special gal–you guessed it–Sabrina! Allsion and Randy train a spotlight on Sabs so she can’t get away and miss her big moment.

The band is playing “Crazy for You” (rawk). Nick comes over and asks Sabs to dance. Turns out he lied when he said he’d asked another woman to go with him. He was just jealous of Sabrina dancing with Johnny Depp’s underage twin brother.

In the middle of their dance Sabs excuses herself to go thank Randy and Al for keeping her from leaving. She’s overcome with joy! Randy puts her arm around Sabs and says “Welcome to junior high, kiddo!” Because Randy’s 57 years old.

I love this cover because Katie, Sabs and Randy are totally wearing outfits described in the book:

Photobucket

 

All-in-all a fine story… romance, conflict, bitchin’ outfits. Nice, light reading after the drama that is Weymouth High. Stay tuned for Girl Talk #2 where Katie decides to join the boys hockey team! And rest assured we’ll get back to Making Out as well.

 

 

 

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One Response to “Girl Talk #1: Welcome to Junior High!”

  1. This is certainly humorous! Imho he was fantastic acting in Two and a Half Men, but it could be it was because he was simply just playing himself:-)

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