Girl Talk Tackles Feminism… Face-Off!

L.E. Blair/Katherine Applegate is so progressive! She teaches us that chicks can be smart, act like manipulative bitches, have mullets and try out for boys’ teams! The last she teaches us in Girl Talk #2: Face-Off! I like that the exclamation point is part of the title.


Looks like Sabrina could not be bothered to watch Katie play hockey. Randy looks kinda hot, Al looks dorky. I don’t get why Katie and Scottie are playing hockey with their jeans on as this never happens in the book… try-outs, for some reason, were always conducted with potential players in full uniform. But, yeah, you can see why Katie looks scared shitless because Scottie must be about 23 years old!

We begin this book Katie’s hottie older sister, Emily. She’s captain of the varsity pom-pom squad, a straight-A student, and the lucky girlfriend of the captain of Bradley High’s football team. I totally want to give her a swirly.

Katie is annoying when at Acorn Falls hot spot, the skating rink, Sabrina points out Princess Emily with her scrumptious boyf. Damn, Sabs, can’t you ever STFU? Clearly Sabs has a lesbo crush on Princess E… and why not? Having four brothers must suck balls, and Emily totally looks like Barbie! But enough about Em for now.

Once again Randy Zak is wearing a very bitchin’ and covet-worthy ensemble: zebra leggings, black-and-white mini, oversize neon-green sweater along with one big neon-green hoop earring in one ear and three small gold hoops in the other. While the different earrings for different ears look is reminiscent of BSC, I must say that Randy Zak’s “downtown New York” look is hipper than Stacey McGill’s “Sophisticated New Yorker” look and a hundred times better than Dawn Schafer’s “California Casual” duds.

Katie’s having a good ol’ time at the skating rink despite the appearance of both her perfect sister and Stacy the Great when all of a sudden  declicious hottie Scottie Silver (for whom Katie totally has a clit boner) skates by and swipes Katie’s high fashion snowflake hat! Up yours, Scottie! By the way, it bothers me that his name is Scottie Silver because I always end up thinking of 90210, David Silver and his friend, Scott Scanlon. And remember how Scott Scanlon shot himself by accident? Although maybe it wasn’t an accident because Scott’s life sort of sucked and douchebag David had ditched him for new, cool friends like Donna Martin and Kelly Taylor.

Back to the skating rink… Katie is chasing down Scottie for the snowflake hat and goddamn! Katie can skate like a mo’fo’! During this chase Katie and Scottie end up knocking down two other skaters and falling themselves. Katie apologizes and Scottie just skates off toward Stacy the Ho and her group. I wonder if Katie ever gets that hat back. She walks home with Allison who comments in her quiet, boring way that Katie really is a fast skater.

Katie comes home to a spaghetti dinner. Em mentions Katie’s skating spectacle and Ma Campbell mentions that such shenanigans aren’t very lady-like, blah blah blah. What a stuck-up bitch. It’s too bad Katie’s dad is dead because he was awesome and taught Katie to play hockey. He even played semi-pro hockey himself! Go, Whalers!

At school the next day Sabs is excited to hear about the skating rink happenings but Katie’s tight-lipped about it. Katie, Randy and Al have lunch outside together because Sabs has to go over her clarinet solo with Mr. Metcalf. Clarinets get solos? OK. Randy actually asks Katie to teach her to skate. Wow, I hope Randy continues to conform to everyone else’s standards of normal… as long as she keeps her spiky mullet. I can’t live if Randy loses her spiky mullet.

That afternoon Katie has flag girl practice. Katie fucks up at practice because she’s not feeling it. To top that off, in the locker room hobag Eva and Stacy diss Katie’s undershirt, suggesting there’s no bra small enough to fit our lovely heroine. Fuck you, bitches! Ain’t nothing wrong with being a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. What do y’all have, DD cups?

Katie is so pissed and hurt that she ends up quitting the flag squad. Fortunately when Katie gets home her mom isn’t there as she had a late meeting at the bank. Katie tries to make herself feel better, talks to Sabs on the phone a bit and before she knows it Ma is home. Katie had planned to get into bed before Ma’s arrival. She tries to get away without mentioning that she quit flag but stupid Emily brings up the squad, forcing Katie to say what she did. Emily and Ma are all in a huff about it. Who gives a rat?

Later in the week during lunchtime the gals are sitting near Scottie and his crew. Scottie starts bragging like a pigheaded douche and Randy gives it to him and his “bingo head” friends. Scottie says he’s the best skater in the country, which seems awfully pretentious to me. Naturally Randy cannot stand for this and says that Katie’s a beter skater and she’ll show them all at the hockey try-outs! Awwww, shit! Now katie has to try out or she’ll look like an asshole.

Even though Katie is pissed at Randy she still goes to the big sleepover at Sabrina’s because, hell… I’d go today if I were invited! Katie and Randy get a chance to talk on the way over and they smooth things over a bit. The gals have pizza with Sam and his crew and Nick mentions the cafeteria incident. Sabs says of course Katie will try out and then our vixens head up to Sabs’ room.

After they all get into their PJ’s they play this wicked hip game. If you got wrong answers you had to put plastic zits on your face. Hmmm… this sounds awfully familar to me… where have I heard of it? Oh, wait! Could it be the Girl Talk Game mentioned at the back of this very book? Apparently puzzles, lip gloss, blushers and other assorted shit was also available. The important thing is, by the end up the sleepover Katie felt that all was bitchin’ again.

The next day the girls all go to the mall. Katie is standing behind a clothing rack in the Ultimate (people, was this a real store? I remember it being mentioned on Roseanne, too) when she overhears BZ and Eva talking about the now-epic scandal in the lunchroom. Eva says Stacy will get the whole scoop when she goes out with Scottie that evening. Bitch. Katie escapes from behind the rack when she’s sure those tramps our gone, then she heads over to the mall theater to see a flick with the gals. And it rocks, except the movie makes Randy a bit homesick.

It’s Sunday and time for Katie to give Randy a skating lesson at Elm Park. Somehow the pond there is frozen even though just a few days ago it was pleasant enough for the girls to eat lunch outside. I don’t have much chance to ponder this inconsistency because L.E./K.A. hits us with another shweet Randy outfit: neon-orange tights, red mini, electric blue sweater and yellow hat. Katie’s outfit is not described here because it was probably lame. Randy makes a little progress during the lesson and somehow does better skating backward. Oh, you rascal!

The hockey try-outs are here and Katie is armed with Sabrina’s brother, Mark’s, old hockey skates and one of Emily’s old bras. The bra is a little big but what harm could it do to make the day of a big event like hockey try-outs the first time you wear a bra?

Coach Budd is being a prick and doesn’t want to let Katie try out, but Allison reminds him that according to Title IX he can’t discriminate against Katie. Don’t you know this, Budd? Or do you, like, welcome lawsuits?

Katie has to change in the visitors’ locker room. No lights are on and she can’t find a switch, so she just changes in the dark. The bra is so hard to unhook that Katie just pulls it over her head. Hurriedly, Katie gets the uniform on but is still late getting out on the ice. Coach Budd asks Katie whats up with her uniform and–whoops!–the bra is totally hanging from her gear. Everyone laughs and Katie has to go back to the locker room to remove the offending undergarment. Somehow Katie regains her composure and does a pretty fine job with all the skating drills.

After the tryouts our gang goes to Fitzie’s, of course. Stacy the Great is there and she acts like a cunt, of course. Eva makes a crack about the bra thing and Randy gets her good. As Katie is leaving Fitzie’s she hears ominous statements that she’ll “get what she deserves” as try-outs progress.

Katie returns home and is warned by Emily that Ma Campbell is not pleased. Surely enough when Ma Campbell arrives home she is… not pleased. There’s some big-ass squabble about Katie trying out for the hockey team because it’s not “lady-like” and blah, blah, blah. Wouldn’t Katie have needed parental permission to try out for the team? Maybe she forged her dead dad’s signature.

Tuesday’s try-outs go much the same as Monday (as you could probably tell, Katie didn’t listen to her mom). On Wednesday the coach put players in scrimmage teams, mixing kids who’d already been on the team with newbies. Katie and Scottie end up on opposing teams and all the players are really giving Katie a hard time, basically knocking the shit out of her. At one point Scottie elbows and trips Katie and Coach doesn’t even blow the whistle! What a sexist sack of crap.

After try-outs Katie is tired as hell and drops her stuff on the front steps of the school. Scottie comes out and says some shit about “playing a man’s game” (dude, you’re 13) and Katie totally calls him a wimp and tells him off. Scottie is stunned and then.. and then… he gives Katie a quick kiss on the cheek! Bow chicka wow-wow! But then his ride shows up so there really isn’t opportunity to make a sexy time.

Sabs calls once Katie is home. Katie gives Sabs the big news and she is naturally wicked excited. We’re all still a bit confused, though, because isn’t Scottie a douche? And isn’t he trying to make a sexy time with Stacy?

The team roster doesn’t go up until Friday because along with being totally uniformed about our country’s laws Coach Budd is a lazy, indecisive asshole. Shock, horror, excitement… Katie makes the team! Her friends give her a pink cupcake for which I’m completely jealous. Back home Ma finally lightens up and says even though she still thinks hockey should be left to those packin’ cocks she sees how much the sport means to Katie. So, in a turdish way, Ma Campbell gives Katie the OK to pack a cock… I mean, play ice hockey.

And it’s time for… TELEPHONE TALK! First Scottie calls Katie to tell her when the game is, which is terribly odd because of course Katie KNOWS when the game is. Scottie then hands an insult to Katie and hangs up abruptly. Because he sucks. Katie calls Sabs to dissect the Scottie call and Sabrina’s all OMG! OMG! I’m Sabrina and I get wicked dramatic about everything!!! Then Sabrina calls Allison even though Allison is super boring. Allison figures that Scottie has the hots for Katie but is too shy to broach the subject of sexy time with her. Sabs gives this serious thought because not only has Allison read 100 books over the summer… she’s also a love guru. And Hairclub president. Uh, I mean… Allison calls Randy to remind her about the game and share her theory of Scottie’s lust. Sabs calls Katie to throw about the possibility of Scottie’s love jones and Katie’s all “What-EVS!” This concludes Telephone Talk.

Katie spends Saturday morning with Sabs, then it’s time for the big game. Katie’s sitting on the bench and the game is going pretty well. There’s some hockey terminology thrown in that I couldn’t care less about. During the last period Brian, the left wing, gets hurt. Oh, shiznit! What is we gone do? Brian is the only left wing. But, wait… Coach had Katie play left wing during the practices. And now Katie’s name is being called! Oh, snap!

With one minute left and the score tied Katie gets the puck. She passes to Scottie, he scores and goal and BJH WINS THE GAME, BITCHES!!! The guys pick Katie up on their shoulders and chant her name.

After Katie showers and puts on some hip and sexy sweater of Emily’s Scottie asks Katie if she’d like to go to Fitzie’s. Duh, dumbass! She’s already going to Fitzie’s with her friends because, like, everyone goes to Ftizie’s after anything that goes on1 But Katie’s friends are all “Oh, catch you later at Fitzie’s (wink, wink)”. Then Stacy and the gang pop up and Stacy’s all “Scottieeeee aren’t you ready to go to Fitzieeeeeeeeeee’s?” And he’s all like “Fuck you, bitches!” So one assumes Scottie and Katie at least walked to Fitzie’s together and that we’ll probably never hear about this douchebag again. Sha la la la.


2 Responses to “Girl Talk Tackles Feminism… Face-Off!”

  1. Ms. Kitka Says:

    “The team roster doesn’t go up until Friday because along with being totally uniformed about our country’s laws Coach Budd is a lazy, indecisive asshole.”

    Best. Line. Ever.

  2. Thank you, Ms. Kitka. Sometimes I get off a good one.

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