Sweet Valley U #1- COLLEGE GIRLS!

I was going to recap this a long time ago, but I really did not know how I was going to approach this. Should I just recap everything as usual, or just comment on a few choice happenings? This may be a combination of the two things- we will see what I feel like and let it flow from there.

Of course I will discuss the cover first. I will say that at least on the SVU covers, the girls look a lot hotter than in covers of Sweet Valley High. Both gals are wearing these corny ass Sweet Valley University sweatshirts, but I will forgive that because it’s a rite of passage for college freshmen to wear the clothing of the university. I STILL have one of my UCONN sweatshirts, and I also had tons of t-shirts and even track pants!! Lame, I know. Just like this book is lame, as are all of the SVU books ( from what I have read so far).

So as you can guess from the title, the girls are off to Sweet Valley University, the same college that Steven goes to. You will be happy to know that Steven is finally dating a college woman named Billie ( not to be confused with Billie Layton, aka the first gal to ever get a period in the Sweet Valley Twins series). Part of me had wished that Steven was dating a BILLY, if you know what I mean. And did you know that Sweet Valley U is TWO HOURS from Sweet Valley? According to this book, the twins live in Sweet Valley COUNTY- ummmm I thought they lived in Sweet Valley, the town- this is just too fuckin confusing. It’s like OK if you live in Hebron you live in Tolland County, but of course you can also live in Tolland. So is the university in the town of Sweet Valley or do the twins live in the town? My brain hurts just thinking about this!!!

So of course Elizabeth is jazzed about getting to go to school with Todd, Jessica, Enid and Winston Egbert. I can’t really picture all of these kids going to the same university at all- first of all didn’t Jess have shit grades? I am surprised that Jess could get into any type of four year college. And I guess Sweet Valley U has a kick ass basketball team that Todd will naturally be a part of, otherwise I’d be like Dude Todd wouldn’t ya go to UCLA, Duke, or UCONN or something for b-ball? And I’d totally picture Liz as a Smith College kinda gal. Winston Egbert? Clown college!!! And of course Enid would just go wherever Liz went because Enid has that huge gay crush on Liz. But… well.. we will get to that.


So for some reason Ned and Alice are not taking their daughters off to college! Come on, what parent does not want to help their new college kid move into campus? Mom is there to hang up fugly curtains and she will insist on folding your clothes, as Dad sweats away making your bed into a loft, and he has to wear, like, a Vietnam Vet or NRA cap or something to embarass you. God, you SUCK Alice and Ned! But not to worry- ol’ Neddy Boy tells Jessica to only date men Pa and Ma Wakefield would approve of.  Has Jessica EVER dated a boy Ned approved of? Why would she do that in COLLEGE??? Better yet, why would Alice and Ned MEET any dude Jess would ” date” in college hee hee hee hee 😉

Right before everyone leaves for SVU, Enid announces she is tired of being a boring drip who just follows Elizabeth around, ( my words not hers) anid Enid wants to revamp her image and call herself Alexandra, which is her middle name. Her mom named her Enid Alexandra? The FUCK???? Whatevs. Of course, Liz tells Enid she hates the name and preferred Enid, and Enid, Jess AND Mommy Wakefield all tell Elizabeth to fuck off.

So everyone heads off to college and Steven helps the twins to move in ( very quickly may I add- he has to go bang Billie!) Todd is moving into the jock dorm, and it turns out poor Winston is mistakenly enrolled as ” Winnie” Egbert ( man the SVU workers are a bunch of ass clowns!) and he has to live in an all girl’s dorm!!!! ICKY STICKY!! So uh yeah a  lot of comic relief is provided about WIn having to live with chickies,and of course he starts to crush on one gal called Denise Waters ( yep the Denise that later joins the ROTC with Winston) and there is one gal who lives in the dorm called Anoushka of all names- wasn’t Anoushka the gal who made cellulite cream and sold it in some 80’s infomercial?? And because this part is really a ” who cares” part basically Winston thinks if the dudes at Sigma ( yeah WINSTON FUCKING EGBERT wants to join a fraternity) find out he lives in the twat dorm they will all totes laugh at him,but the guys actually are in fuckin envy of ol’ Win- yeah!!!

So basically what happens to Liz is- Todd is constantly blowing her off to do all kinds of crap with the basketball team or with the jock fraternity. He even blows off Liz at breakfast- and then poor Liz has to end up eating both their breakfasts… you know where this will lead… and Elizabeth is always yelling at Jessica to pick up her side of the room, and Elizabeth is always refusing to go off and socialize with Jessica and other lame, snotty girls and shit like that so Jessica is tired of Liz constantly telling her to clean up and all that ( admittedly I would also find that hella annoying) Jessica ends up moving out of their dorm and moves in with Isabella Ricci aka ” Lila Part Two” and Isabella kinda sucks she is not nearly as cool as Lila Fowler! But Lila is not at SVU- she is off in Italy screwing some count.. I wish I was Lila right now, man!!!! SIGH!! And of course Enid is now wearing tight bodysuits and sexy jeans and oh  yeah she is now called “Alexandra” and she spends the night with some basketball player- OK let me explain this GEM!! Alexandra meets Mark Gathers ( aka douchebag pussy Mark who turns against Todd and Liz later on as described in my SVU 16 blog) at some jocky frat party, and Mark and Alexandra spend a night together TALKING about like philosophy and literature and shit- first of all name me a Division 1 b-ball player who cares about lit or philosophy- and doesn’t even TRY to fuck some girl in his dorm! COME THE FUCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And when Alex tells this to Liz, Liz flips the fuck out because Alexandra ( who I wanna call ENID damn it!) spent the night with some dude she doesn’t know, and Alex is all fuck you and well- OK that’s not the safest thing ever but soooo many girls do that in college- and Alex didn’t even fuck the guy- we dumb girls would be screwing these dudes in their dorms that we really didn’t know!!! GROW UP LIZ!!!!

I guess Todd’s ultimate act of douche-baggery is that he wants to finally pop Liz’s cherry and Liz says hell to the no and I don’t really get what Liz is waiting for. She and Todd have been together for about 1,000 years HELLO!!!!!!!!! Why not do Todd I bet he’d be great in the sack- well better than Jeffrey French I’d bet!!  God Liz stinks in this book. I mean part of me feels bad for her because ” everyone usually loves Elizabeth” ( she thinks that to herself- GROAN!) and Liz can’t make any friends, and, like, somehow ruins her chances of joining Pi Beta Phi aka the ” activist” sorority ( how come none of the sororities at UCONN were like that?? Sigh!) by having a screaming fight with Jess because Jess is saying Pi Beta Phi is lame- I would think the PBP would find that activist and ballsy and let her join!! And uh yeah Todd did blow Elizabeth off about 137 times and ” Alexandra” while a lot cooler than Enid, is also kinda being an affected bitch- wow Elizabeth first Amy and now Enid- what do you do to make your buddies go from your lackeys to affected bitches? And Liz gains sooo much weight that she is no longer a ” perfect size 6- more like an 8 maybe even a 10!” And you should hear how Liz WHINES about this- way to be a superficial cunt, Liz- like JESSICA????!!!!! SHEESH!!!! But yeah I know I also had some trouble getting buddies at first, and I gained my share of weight blah blah blah but I wasn’t all stick in the mud and grumpy like Liz either!!!!!

So ummm yeah- Jessica goes to a sorority mixer thingie with a BLACK MAN- Danny Wyatt!!!!!!! Yes Jess goes to the dance with a black guy do you believe this? Naturally, though, there is no chemisty between Danny and Jessica so they are going to remain good friends.  I wanted hot interracial sex, dammit!!! But Jessica has her sights set on some hottie in a Corvette- Jess totally ruined hottie’s Corvette in a car accident, and he is the hottest guy Jess has ever seen of course. So uh yeah this guy randomly shows up at Jess and Isabella’s door a few days after the car crash- as in when Jessica comes home from class one day ( yeah Jess attended a class or two) this dude, who is named Mike McAllery, is sitting on the couch in the room! CREEPY AS FUCK but this turns Jessica on. And of course both Isabella and Steven say that Mike is quite a ” ladies’ man” and may be a criminal, watch out etc but Jessica pays neither Isabella nor Steven any mind. Hey, Jessica is a GREAT judge of men- Bruce Patman, Scott Daniels, that werewolf, on and on!!

So back to Liz again. Liz meets Tom Watts, her eventual boyfriend, at the same party where Jessica is all gettin’ jiggy with a minority, and how they meet is that some ass hat named Peter ( the Bruce Patman of SVU) starts harassing Jess and Danny because basically Peter hates Danny for being black. DICKHEAD! So Peter is all talkin’ shit to Danny,and rather than Danny go all ” Busta Rhymes in Higher Learning” on Pete’s ass ( yeah Busta totally kicks these skinhead dudes’ asses in that flick and it rocks!) Danny just stands there, but Tom Watts, as Danny’s best friend, defends Danny- as does LiZ! Elizabeth Wakefield, future member of the Rainbow/PUSH coalition! Tom is very turned on by Liz’s defense of Danny. Tom is also an even bigger geek than Todd Wilkins- Tom doesn’t even play sports he just works for the school TV station! I do LOVE that Todd Wilkins and Tom Watts have the SAME EXACT INITIALS! How clever, ghostwriter!!

So as you can guess, Todd dumps Liz like a bad habit, and it’s very EXCITE for him because this means that, as a basketball player, he can fuck all of the college girls that he wants!! I bet Alexandra Rollins would fuck him if she wasn’t talking about philosophy with Mark Gathers! And Liz gets this ANNOYING big haired new roomie named Celine- yes CELINE- who always talks about her fuckin grandma and smokes a lot. Of course Celine comes on to Todd and Todd thinks Celine is all sexy and crap- in fact Celine pretty much facilitates the breakup by saying that Liz has no time for Todd, even though TODD knows he’s the one blowing off Liz! Todd sucks ass in this book.

So of course Jess is rushing the Theta sorority ( the same one Alice was in- awwwwww… I KNEW Alice would be some sorority ho;) and her panties are all moist over Mike. And I am so sorry to disappoint but I  am sort of wanting the end of this book to come as close to the beginning to the book as possible because this book irritated the shit out of me.

So of course the book ends with a Halloween dance. Danny finally stops being  a wuss and stands up to Peter and his Sigma cronies. Incidentally, Bruce Patman is a Sigma but he says about 2 words in the whole book. Elizabeth spots Todd kissing some redhead at the dance, she runs off, Tom Watts goes after Liz and says she is just groovy as all hell and you know sexy time ( or in Liz’s case, no sexy time) is a comin- but it doesn’t seem that Tom doesn’t have time for sexy time because he pretty much spends all day, every day at the TV station. Some stalker creepazoid ( we are never really told who) grabs Jess from behind and is all trying to choke her, but Mike McAllery saves her, and right then and there Jessica decides she is totally gonna sit on Mike’s face. And that’s the end, my friends! Except for this- Lila Fowler is still in Italy in the end, and she is newly married to Count Tisiano- Lila rules!

Naturally, classes are barely mentioned in this book, and no talk of anything any of these kids may or may not major in. I am sure Elizabeth and Tom are both Journalism majors, and well Enid/Alexandra would probably just major in whatever Elizabeth majored in  but now Alex is like her own woman or something, I guess, so uhhh hmmm what does a sap on stilts major in? I will say elementary education!!! Todd Wilkins is probably majoring in sports marketing or communications and of course Jessica would be totally undecided, and I bet Egbert is too. Although I guess Winston could just major in Women’s Studies- OK yeah that joke sucked!


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