Al Gore in Stonewashed Overalls: Girl talk 14, Earth Alert!

I’d like to tell you all that global warming is bad and you should go green and conserve resources and shit. I’d like to tell you that but it’d sound like bullshit coming from me because I use about 10,000 tissues and/or paper towels per day. Fortunately there’s someone much more qualified and Native America than I to get the message accross: Girl Talk’s own Allison Cloud.

Look at what a hottie she is on that cover! Take her clothes off and put a star over her magic box and she could totally be on the cover of a porno DVD. Sabrina looks cute, Randy looks less fug than on other covers… but who’s that blond boy? He’s got a hockey jersey on, so maybe it’s Scottie Silver? Wait a minute… there’s a K on that jersey. Is that, uh… uh…. EWWW! Katie is the high priestest of fug in this picture! Poor Katie.
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So Allison’s being all 5’7″ about life and whining over it when she meets some nut from L.A. His name is Arizonna… how LAME is that? By the by, you pronounce that name the way you would the state, but there’s an extra ‘n’ there to make it super annoying.

Arizonna has approached Allison because she’s been put in charge of the Earth Alert fair. It makes sense because even though Al seems to have the leadership skills of a turnip she read over one hundred books over the summer! And no one else in Acorn Falls knows about the environment. That’s why L.E. Blair had to import someone from Cali. Someone who displays all the typical surfer stereotypes of the ’80s: saying things like “very” and wearing tie-dye shirts… ugh.

So everyone’s wicked excited about the fair. And when I say ‘everyone” I mean the usual GT crew plus Sam and his buds, Arizonna and Billy Dixon, the dyslexic hottie Allison tutored in one of the earlier books. This pisses Stacy Hansen off because she loves high-heeled shoes and hates the environment. So Stace decides to tell her pa the principal that she is co-chair of Earth Alert so she can go and blow all the allotted funds on carnival rides. What kind of school just hands the committee funds over to the students?

Allison and friends had planned to serve natural foods and play earthy-crunchy Natvie American games (like hacky sack) at the fair, but how can they buy food when Stacy took all the cash? Plus having a rollercoaster doesn’t send a very eco-friendly message.

Meanwhile Arizonna is totally fliritng with Allison and Billy Dixon is, like, enraged over it. Because L.E. Blair must make certain that every GT character gets a book where two dudes compete for her affections. Oh, I wish I had these problems!

The crew plans an Earth Alert meeting at Sabs’ house but Stacy, Eva and those other bitches decide to have their own meeting and not invite Allison and her buddies. Grrrr! The girls troop over to Eva Malone’s house, anyway, and find all the guys sitting there like guilty turd sandwiches. At the end of the meeting Arizonna asks Allison out. Uh-oh! Allison says “yes” because she doesn’t know what else to do. You suck, Allison. Did I mention Sabs has the hots for Arizonna? What the fuck happened to Michel Beauvais?

Allison decides she really wants to make the beast with two backs with Billy so she goes to his house to explain the whole Arizonna situation. Because Allison has balls now. Billy’s all pissed that Arizonna asked Al out and she said yes, but then Al explain she “hearts” Billy and he’s all… awww. Then he makes a brilliant suggestion… why don’t they just make the food for Earth Alert themselves. FUCKING DUH, PEOPLE! And to think Billy needed tutoring.

Then there’s Telephone Talk… blah, blah, blah, thank God Charlie doesn’t answer the phone. Everything’s OK with Billy, the kids will make the natural food themselves… but how will Al break the date with Arizonna? Katie thinks Sabs should flirt with Arizonna so he’ll forget all about Al… kind of like how the sexy decoys on Maury work.

On Monday morning Sabs shows up to school in this sexy ensemble: cropped turquoise t-shirt, cut-off denim shorts over white long johns, a pair of sunglasses dangling from a neon orange cord, matching orange high tops, bright yellow baseball cap and white UCLA sweatshirt thrown over her shoulders. Take away the sweatshirt and replace the cap with a headband and you’ve got a classic Claudia Kishi ensemble.

So this chapter Stacy’s being an asshole about Earth Alert, Allison stands up for herself and Ms. Staats is all “settle down, bitches”. Arizonna gives Al another friendship bracelet to add to the ones he’s already provided, but then at lunch time Sabs turns on the California Girl charm on… sexy, sexy!

The night before the fair Al, Randy, Sabs, Katie, Jason, Nick, Sam and Arizonna prepare the food. Billy shows up and there are gay towel snaps all around. Arizonna tells Al that he doesn’t think they should go on the date because he can see that “BD” is Al’s “special pal” and Arizonna’s having a wicked time hanging with Sabs. How touching.

Finally the day of the fair arrives and thanks to Mrs. Cloud the gals all have bitchin’ Earth Alert caps! The food’s all set up but all the kids are riding the shitty carnival rides on the football field 😦 No worries: the boys start playing hacky sack and Iron Wombat sets up to play a green concert. Next thing we know the natural food’s all been sold, Iron Wombat is kicking ass (with help from Arizonna) and a bevy of Bradley Junior High students are playing games. Then the band stops and Allison gives some “Save Our Planet” speech. Whatevs.

After the fair is over there’s litter all over the ground! Fucking teenagers! Allison’s really upset and BD’s all sensitive about it. Allison wants to, like, change the world… then Arizonna says “Think globally, act locally.” Smart boy!

Allison and the girls decide to stand on the steps of Bradley Junior High and picket against Styrofoam trays in the cafeteria. Mr. Hansen’s all pissy about it and says he has to give all the girls detention because picketing’s against school rules. Then Billy takes Allison’s sign and says Mr. Hansen will have to give him a detention, too. Sam, Nick and Jason follow suit. Hansen’s still in a twist but he agrees to consider getting rid of styrofoam trays. Hooray!

So remember, kids: reduce, reuse, recycle. And check the air pressure in your tires… even though it won’t do any good.

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