You’ve got to be kidding me: Girl Talk 16, Here Comes the Bride

There are so many things wrong with this book it makes every other Girl Talk book I’ve recapped up to this point seem totally logical and believeable. So let’s just get right into it.

Michel asks Katie if she’s going to the hockey conditioning meeting after school. Of course Katie is going because she wants to stay on and poppin’ in the off season so she can make All-County in 8th grade. I wonder if these girls ever DO make it to 8th grade or if they stay frozen in time like the BSC did after a certain point. Scottie tells Katie she’ll definitely make All-County because she rocks! Then Michel and Scottie complain that Katie’s not eating with the hockey team. Michel and Scottie have vaginas, you know.

OUTFIT ALERT: Today Randy has on a green Day Glo minidress that flares out at the bottom, black stockings and black flats.

We learn that Katie is supposed to be going out for dinner with her mother, sister, Jean-Paul and Michel. Randy wonders about the seriousness of Katie’s mother’s relationship with Jean Paul and the nature of this dinner. But it’s no big deal, right? Oh, and Winslow Barton (Acorn Falls’ answer to Winston Egbert) is planning the school’s 1960s-themed dance.

Katie’s getting ready for the dinner. She’s wearing a teal green dress with a dropped waist. This is accessorized with black flats and a teal green bow… why did all YA series at this time have some bitch who had to match her bow/barrettes to her outfits? Emily had a yearbook meeting and will be meeting the fam at swanky Chez Pierre. On the way to the restaurant Katie asks her mother if she has any ’60s duds for the dance. Ma’s all like “Oh, why would you want to wear that?” Then Katie inadvertenly calls her mom old. Whoops!

Jean-Paul and Michel are already at the restaurant. French phrases are thrown around, everyone looks hot, champagne is served along with five glasses. Way to encourage kids to drink, L.E.! But, yeah, why all the fuss? It’s not like anyone’s going to make an important announcement, right?

Holy, crap! Emily is ten minutes late! Ground her forever, Ma Campbell! Why is it a big deal that she’s late? I mean, it’s not like anyone’s going to make… oh, wait, there’s an important announcement. Jean-Paul asked Ma Campbell (aka Eileen) to be his bride… and she accepted! Michel is all excited that he’ll have two new sisters and a new mother. I’m thinking he has some kind of attachment issues. Katie and Emily are not so thrilled. Eileen seems stunned at this. Isn’t any teenage girl thrilled to hear her mom is marrying some rich French guy she’s only known for a few months? I mean, shit… their dad’s only been dead three years. And at the same time I feel three years is not long enough to get used to the idea of just having your mother and sister around and not want things to change. So, yeah… c’mon, get happy, bitches.

That Friday Katie goes to a sleepover at Sabs’ house. Sabs has unearthed her mom’s hip and cool fashions from the ’60s. I love Sabs’ mom… she had also provided hip and cool ’50s fashions in Stealing the Show. Among the ’60s couture Sabs finds a pair of red, white and blue bell bottoms. She tries them on, but, wait… they don’t fit properly! They don’t even come up to Sabrina’s waist!!!

HA HA HA! Oh, how times have changed. We went from being shocked by pants that didn’t cover our navels to showing crack cleavaged… and now high waist pants are back again!

Randy explains that the pants are hiphuggers and are supposed to fit that way. Phew! Katie pulls out a purple ribbed sleeveless turtleneck to go with the pants. Sabrina says that doesn’t match. I agree, but Randy says people wore weird color combinations in the ’60s. It’s wrong to trick your friends into wearing stuff that’s fug. Sabrina doesn’t realize this and picks out some black platforms to go with her ensemble.

For Al the girls find a crushed velvet yellow mini dress and white vinyl go-go boots. Um… how the fuck does Mrs. Wells not only have clothes but SHOES that fit both Sabrina AND Allison? Usually a gal who’s 4’11” has smaller feet than someone who’s 5’7″. I guess we’re supposed to suspend our sense of disbelief here.

The girls gear up to watch a flick… Randy has rented The Blob. Sabrina starts gushing about the wedding even though Katie is obviously uncomfortable talking about it. Katie offers to go get napkins and soda from the kitchen and Randy follows. Randy noticed how un-psyched Katie was and of course Randy understands because her parents are divorced. Katie points out the fact that her mother didn’t even discuss with her and Emily the idea of getting engaged. Randy’s all like “Oh, was she supposed to ask you guys if she should hold out for a bigger diamond?” or some shit like that. And clearly Randy is right because when you have two daughters you should not discuss things with them that may drastically affect their lives. If you’re going to marry some guy you should just spring this news on your kids and expect them to be thrilled. Anyway, Katie tells Randy not to mention their little talk as she doesn’t want her other buds to know that she’s not yet feelin’ this wedding biz.

Cut to three weeks later… Katie’s mother has been running her ragged with wedding preparations… because that’s totally a thirteen-year-old’s responsibility. Katie’s plans to go to the mall are squashed when she’s told by Ma that she must go pick up napkins then drop a check off at the florist. For reals, Ma? Girlfriend must be in a real rush to spend Jean-Paul’s cash. As she gets dressed Katie seethes over the fact that Emily has avoided these tasks by not being home (smart girl). Katie comes downstairs to see a note about a dress fitting at 11:30. For fuck’s sake! And did I mention that seven Campbell family members will be staying at the house? Weak!

Once Katie heads outside she sees Scottie Silver running. Yum! They both say they’ll miss playing together when Scottie’s in high school next year. Then Scottie gives Katie some super-awesome news… Coach plans on making her the captain for next year! Then Scottie asks Katie if she’s going to the ’60s dance next Saturday… which is also the day of the wedding! But, thank the Lord, Eileen and Jean-Paul are in such a motherfucking rush the reception should be over by late afternoon. So of course Katie will go to the ’60s dance!

Katie rushes home to tell her mom the good news about the hockey team. Before Katie can say anything Eileen throws a hissy because the napkins are the wrong color. Shit, bitch…. they’ll all be barf-colored after everyone drinks too much and has to discreetly vomit into their napkins.

Now that our conflict has reached a boiling point it’s… TELEPHONE TALK! In this segment Sabs finally realizes that Katie is kind of bummed over this whole wedding shit, and she also hears from Allison that Katie’s gong to be the hockey captain. Sabs tells Katie she’s there to talk about any and every problem. The other gals offer to come over before the wedding to help Katie get ready and cheer her up. And we learn that Jean-Paul and Eileen are heading straight to France after their wedding.

Katie asks her mother if Sabs, Randy and Al can come over before the wedding. At first Ma says no, but then she realizes she’s been a Bridezilla asshole these few weeks and changes her mind. Katie finally gets to tell her mother about being made captain, and Ma is totes proud. Then Ma does not force Katie to finish the place cards, so all is right with the world!

Katie goes to talk to Emily. Even though Emily’s had a bug up her ass about Eileen getting hitched she seems to have had a change of heart. She says Ma’s big day must go off smoothly and, while she was upset about the wedding, she’s happy now because Ma is happy. So you see, kids… even if your parents make a shitty decisions like deciding to marry someone after a few months it’s your fault if you’re upset about it. Because parents always use their best judgement and kids who disagree are always selfish pieces of shit.

Eileen’s clan arrives for the big rehearsal dinner. As is appropriate, they have never met the hubster-to-be. Hey, when you’re a broad of a certain age (like, over 30) and you’re saddled down with two kids you can’t wait for your beau to meet your close relatives just so you can decide to get married.

Katie describes the bridesmaid dresses and I have to cringe: they’re ice blue with a sweetheart neckline, fitted bodice and pouffy sleeves, The skirts are also pouffy… AND TEA LENGTH! Make that monstrosity peach instead of ice blue and that’s almost exactly what I wore in my dad’s wedding. I say almost exactly because Katie doesn’t mention a heinous bow on the back of her frock. Unfortunately my dad’s wedding was in ’98 and not ’88… otherwise I could have been cool.

Before the rehearsal dinner Katie goes to the attic to look for clothes for the ’60s dance. Wow, Mrs. Campbell (soon to be Beauvais) was a hippie! Katie brings a box of old pictures downstairs to show her mother. Ma says the late Pa Campbell was wicked into issues and causes and shit. It sounds like Ma just liked dressing up like a hippie and went along with that shit because she thought Pa was sexy with his sideburns. Yum. Katie realizes her mother still loves her father but she can still marry Jean-Paul because girlfriend is horny and needs a Mercedes. I mean, uh… she loves Jean-Paul even though he’s different from Katie’s father.

The day of the wedding has arrived! All the bridal party babes are getting dolled up at the salon. Katie feels weird having her hair, nails and makeup done but then she realizes she looks hot.

When Katie gets home her friends are waiting for her. And boy, do they look smokin’! Sabs has on a shimmery blue-green dress with a drop waist and spaghetti straps. She’s also got on some righteous elbow-length, fingerless lace gloves! Randy wears a black-and-white flared sailor top and black mini. Al is donning a dress with a black velvet top and puffy, pink satin skirt that has a band of black velvet and the waist and bottom. This ensemble is topped off by a black velvet headband. It looks like the outfits are depicted fairly accurately on the cover… except for Al’s.

The girls fuss over Katie, then it’s off to the ceremony. Not much to say here… all wedding ceremonies are the same to me.

The reception is also pretty ordinary. Katie didn’t know about the tradition where people clink their forks on their glasses to get the bride and groom to kiss. Katie asks why the guests do this… and I say it’s because they’re undersexed asswipes. Michel asks Sabrina to dance during the reception and Sabrina gets a little moist over it… even though she had been all over Arizonna in Earth Alert!

Yes, the wedding is OVER! Ma and Jean-Paul are probably joining the mile high club as our girls get ready for the big dance. Ran is wearing a long-sleeved black cat suit with a silver belt. Bow chicka wow-wow! Katie’s outfit is a fringed poncho over a tie-dyed shirt, ripped jeans and fringed moccasins. Ew. Allison has the nerve to say she likes that mess more than the outfit she has on. You would, Al. Blech.

The dance decor is bitchin’ thanks to Winslow’s nerdy attention to detail. Scottie Silver has also dressed in tie-dye fug. Awww. Scottie asks Katie to dance to a slow song. Shwing! For no apparent reason Michel comes over like a douchebucket and insists on cutting in. What. The. Fuck.

So, uh, Michel was worried about Katie dancing with Scottie because Scottie has taken more than one hottie to Fitzie’s. Katie actually has a very mature attitude about this… she likes Scottie, he likes her, but they’re “not married or anything”. By the by, Katie Campbell actually changed her name to Tristan Taormino when she grew up.

Katie tells Michel off and with good reason, I say. It’s really creepy the way he’s being an over-protecting buttmunch after their parents JUST got married. Katie complains to her friends about Michel’s behavior and they’re all like “That’s what brothers do” and “I think it’s cool” and dumb crap like that. My head hurts.

Next thing you know Stacy says something snotty about Michel and Katie jumps to his defense by saying “You’re talking about my brother!” Stacy points out that Michel’s dad and Katie’s mom getting married doesn’t make them siblings, and I completelh agree! But then Michel jumps in and tells Stacy that she’s a dirty whore and that “K.C.” is indeed is sister. Then everyone at the dance looks at Michel and Katie like they’re monkeys throwing feces at each other and I go fix myself another gin and grapefruit juice. At least this book had a lot of good outfit descriptions.




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