Sweet Valley High #26- Hostage!

First of all, the cover of this book is so totally snarkable! It’s Regina Morrow, looking quite frightened and dressed in quite the preppy manner, clutching her collar as someone in very fug, plain top has what appears to be a blindfold in her hand. I am going to say this right now- this particular SVH  book is SUCKY AS ALL GET OUT!! At least the plot moves along very quickly thank the dear Lord above. And yes this book does involve the heroically deaf Regina ( to quote the Dairi Burger) and her boring as hell bro, Nicholas.

We start with Liz and Jess hanging out at the pool, and Liz is worried because when she went to the Morrow household, a strange lady answered the door and said she was Regina’s aunt- but Elizabeth swears that both Kurt and Skye Morrow are only children ( Kurt and Skye are Mama and Daddy Morrow). See, Regina is supposed to be away in Switzerland getting her hearing restored, and before we hear about that, we have to hear about how raven haired Regina is gorgeous, and almost perfect other than the deaf thing- thank God THAT’S being taken care of! Well, some delivery boy says he delivered a package to the Morrows and saw Regina- and why he told Elizabeth I have no idea. Elizabeth is thinking maybe Regina came for a surprise visit to Switzerland to see Bruce, but Bruce Patman- who is Regina’s man and frankly, totes boring in this book- had no idea Regina was supposed to be visiting. So they call the Morrow house, where Lady Strange says that no one is home and as Regina’s ” aunt” she is watching the house. Liz is very worried that Regina could be trapped in her home by a madman, and it brings back bad memories of Liz kidnapped by Carl the orderly- yeah, I have to review ” Kidnapped” soon! Jessica pretty much tells Elizabeth she’s jumping to conclusions and to stop playing Nancy Drew.

Elizabeth is going to Regina’s house again to see what is wrong, as the gate was locked and that is arousing her suspicions. A dowdy lady answers the door, says Regina is not there, and slaps the door in Liz’s face. But then Elizabeth sees that Regina has entered the foyer! The woman harshly tells Regina ” I thought I told you to stay upstairs” , and Regina ” helplessly” goes up the stairs. When Liz arrives home, she is worried and sees her dad’s car in the driveway and at first figures that hmm Ned’s a lawyer he will know what to do. But then Elizabeth quickly changes her mind and is all ” oh forget it Jessica and I have to keep this a secret”-WTF? I know Liz is 16, but Regina could be in danger and Ned could help- OK maybe not Ned as he is not exactly Mr Effective, but he may know someone who is!! And Elizabeth  doesn’t say anything??? Elizabeth goes to Jess and says she’s decided to call the good ol’ Sweet Valley Police. Liz calls, the cop calls back all pissy saying he went to the house and the woman at the door said her name is Claire and she is Skye Morrow’s stepsis and is watching the house while they are gone and basically tells Liz to stop jumping to conclusions- turd cop! But Bruce has said Skye has no sibs! Now Elizabeth is VERY worried…

Jessica tells Elizabeth she does think maybe something is awry at the Morrows’. Jessica has a plan that the twins could ask Eddie Strong, the delivery dude, when he is next due to deliver something at the Morrow house, and they could sneak a note in with the package delivered.  And, Jess also says they could ask Eddie about making the delivery for him. Jess says Bruce can pretend to be the delivery boy.

Bruce agrees to the delivery plan. Bruce also reveals that he is very worried about Ken Matthews because he is failing English and may not get to play football. Who gives a crap, really? Eddie just told Jess that he was supposed to make a trip to the Morrows’ tomorrow, and the plan is in place. Jessica gets the idea that they can sneak the note for Regina into a fashion magazine, and figures the strange lady won’t pick it up, but from the way Elizabeth described her, she would NOT be into fashion- LOL Jess- you rule!

The delivery is successfully made. We then see Regina in her room, and we hear about how she was kidnapped from the airport and the woman said she had a gun and not to speak at all. The woman tells Regina she is Claire- Aunt Claire to Regina- and that Regina will be held hostage in her house, and her parents are being held hostage in another house and if Regina blabs she and her parents will be killed.  CREEPY MAN! Nicholas is conveniently safe, visiting a buddy of his in San Francisco named Buddy Ames- LOL wow- they must have got Buddy’s name from Willie Ames, and his character Buddy on Charles in Charge LOL- wonder what ol’ Nick and Buddy were doing in San Fran BTW… hey Nick couldn’t have Liz… So when Regina got to her house, a thin, mean looking man tells Regina her parents are at another home and safe and would be safe but they best cooperate. Basically, this skinny scary man wants some microchip or other that Kurt Morrow invented and this dude wants the prototype, thinking he will get mad rich. Kurt had fired this dude and he is pissed. This dude wants to force Daddy Morrow to call the plant manager to give the prototype to this douche- and the plant manager would be all ” Oh OK Kurt”- it doesn’t seem like a great plan but hey he did manage to kidnap three out of 4 Morrows- I guess the Morrows, rich as they  are, couldn’t afford any security. Regina finds the note, throws a note out of the window tied to a compact, and waits for Liz, Jess and Bruce to find it.

The twins and Bruce climb over the fence and find Regina’s note.  Regina wrote that she, Skye and Kurt were all kidnapped, and that Nicholas was with Buddy and she wanted them to call Nicholas right away to tell them what happened. Bruce calls Nicholas and tells him to get down to Sweet Valley right away as they need his help STAT! Nicholas wonders why but Bruce says it has to be explained in person and they will tell him tomorrow.

So Jessica, Liz and Bruce tell Nicholas what’s up and of course he’s upset and freaked out. Nicholas wants to check out the estate to see what is going on with Regina and her parents. Nicholas sees the thin man and his car in front, and he doesn’t see Nicholas or Liz, and Nicholas swears that thin man looks familiar. Nicholas says that there was someone at a plant in CT that worked with his dad a few years ago and the guy was a real ” snake”- who really calls people ” snakes” at age 18- named Phillip Denson, and the four teen detectives wonder if Phillip Denson is the one who kidnapped Regina and her ‘rents!

Jessica, Liz and Bruce are cutting school to go down to Fort Carroll ( oh no it’s NOT Sweet Valley) to see if it’s the same Phillip Denson or whatever. When they get to the home, Jess sees a hot guy mowing the lawn, and goes to flirt with Lawn Mower Hottie to get more information. Jessica finds out that the guy’s name is Mitch DENSON- gee who is HE related to? Jessica tries to ask for an ice cold drink so she could get into the house but Mitch says no as his dad is sleeping. As Jess turns to go back to the car, she sees Mr and Mrs Morrow, looking terrified, in the window of the home! Elizabeth then thinks to herself that if they all knew when Denson was going to go to the plant to try to get the prototype, then could all try to get Regina and her parents out of this. Now of course since they now have this new piece of info from Nick about Phillip Denson- couldn’t they now call the cops or get Ned Wakefield in on this by now? Oh no of course not-the twins are heroes and are sure to get Regina out of this by herself- who needs the COPS?

Nicholas, Bruce, Jess and Liz are at the Patman house the next day. They are re-reading Regina’s letter to see if they can get more info out of it. The letter says Regina heard Claire on the phone saying something like ” money is heaven.” Jessica thinks it is a code and has everyone else repeat ” Money is heaven” over and over- and Jessica finally figures out Regina meant Monday at 7- so that must be when Phillip is going to get the prototype! I don’t get where Monday is heaven meant Monday at 7 but whatever. Or how Regina really thought Jess, Elizabeth and Bruce are so fuckin heroic and awesome that they’d really save her- well then again Jess and Liz are Wakefields- they can do ANYTHING! Elizabeth then has a plan- Jessica and Bruce can go to Phil’s home to rescue Kurt and Skye while the kidnappers are at the plant. Elizabeth and Nick will go to the plant and meet Regina and Claire and Liz will try to stall them as Nicholas calls the po-po- fullproof plan, I say.

Jessica is going to Phil D’s home to try to get Mitch to leave the house with her on Monday and Jessica wears a halter and a mini for the ocassion- HOT!!! Jess asks Mitch to go to a beach party and he is all being a wiener and going ” I am not sure, I am not sure” so Jess says ” Oh I will come by Monday to see if you still wanna go or whatever” and Mitch says that would be fine. God Mitch what kind of dude are you that you don’t totally want to bang Jess right there on the front porch??

So Monday comes, and Jess and Bruce go to Denson’;s home. Jessica can’t get Mitch to leave with her, and then Denson gets into the driveway and Jess tries to yell out for Bruce, Mitch grabs Jessica and Jessica bites his arm- and Bruce runs out with Mr and Mrs Morrow but then the Morrow parents, Bruce and Jess are all faced by Phil Denson with a GUN! As Phil threatens Jess and Bruce, Mitch grabs the gun from Phil, and Bruce, Jess and Ma and Daddy Morrow are able to run off!

Nicholas and Liz are together and Nick tells Elizabeth how thrilled he is that Jess and Liz ( no mention of Bruce) are risking their lives to save the Morrow fam, and he is soo grateful. I swear this book is more about ass kissing the Wakefield twins and less about the stupid Morrow kidnapping. As they are at the plant, Liz tries to distract Claire and Regina but it’s not really working and the police aren’t believing Nick. And- Phil Denson, Mitch, Bruce and Jess get to the plant! There is some big scuffle, Bruce is wrestling with Mr Denson for a gun, and finally the police come and the Morrows are saved- DUH. And barely anything really happens in this book, honestly, and the suspense crap SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED it really did. Maybe this book is trying to be an SVH thriller, or a pre-thriller but DAMN does it fail! And of course Mrs Morrow wants to throw a huge party to celebrate Ma, Daddy and Regina Morrow’s awful ordeal- and umm yeah the fact that they are all safe now.  Ummm Skye Morrow you BEST not think your party will BEGIN to compare to ANY Lila Fowler party! And of course, the party will honor the twins- and oh yeah Bruce and Nick too.

So the book ends at the fab Morrow party, with Jess and Lila in disbelief that Ken Matthews is now dating ” cultured” ” arty” Suzanne Hanlon. What an unlikely couple- I wonder if Suzanne will be like that snotty, richy lady on Three’s Company who dated Jack and she will make Ken wear a yellow polo shirt with a pink sweater tied around his shoulders, and play tennis with ” Daddy”. That’d be HAWT

To read along- I am reviewing ” Memories” from SVH next. “Memories” sorta sucks, but not as bad as this shit book. I am then reviewing ” Mallory on Strike”, Freshman Dorm Numero 16, then Sweet Valley U’s ” The Return of William White Part Dos”- I don’t have part 1 sorry- and then a SLEEPOVER FRIENDS book! I LOVE those fuckin’ Sleepover Friends- ESPECIALLY STEPHANIE! Truthfully, I preferred Kate as a kid, since both me and Kate loved movies, but I loved movies like ” Mary Poppins,” ” The Little Mermaid” and ” Troop Beverly Hills”- not 5 hour long Swedish films like Kate! What kind of 5th grader likes the crap Kate likes? But I will discuss that more as I review that SF book…

In the meantime, these Sweet Valley bitches are ALWAYS kidnapped! And Sweet Valley is the perfect town? NO WAY!


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