Even More Crap-tastic than ” Twilight”

Yes, kids, there is definitely a vampire story even worse than ” Twilight”, and that would be this Sweet Valley U thriller, ” Kiss of the Vampire.” Let’s not waste any time….


Jessica and Elizabeth are in a run down ballroom contemplating the fixin’ that will be needed in order to have a Halloween party at the ballroom.  The Monster Madness party will be an all campus costume party to raise money for a women’s shelter.  Elizabeth tells Jess she is nervous because she and Tom both applied for a weekend internship  ( yeah because Lord knows one will learn so much about journalism in a weekend) with the world famous journalist Nicholas Des Perdu in New Orleans, and the letter annoucing who gets the internship is arriving today.  This journalist is also very ” mysterious” per Liz.  Suddenly, the lights crack and the lights go out in the ballroom- yep, should be a great place for a party. Liz and Jess hightail it the fuck out of there.

Meanwhile in New Orleans, a mysterious man is walking around town wanting generous surrender and a sweet darkness.  As the man hears feminine footsteps, his shiny white teeth seem to ache deliciously…

Elizabeth and Tom are making out, and Elizabeth stops them as they are kissing, just in case Tom’s roommate Danny walks in. Elizabeth thinks about Tom and Liz can barely be alone together, but ” that may be a good thing.”  So Elizabeth and Tom open their letters re: the internship, and Tom is the one who got the internship.  Tom flies to New Orleans tomorrow.

The next morning at breakfast, Jess groans over how lovey dovey Tom and Elizabeth are- LOL yeah Jess couples like that suck! 😉 Liz is all ” Oh Tom how I will miss you” as if Tom was going to Kenya for months instead of New Orleans for a weekend.  As Tom and Liz say goodbye at the airport, both of them are crying and crying and hugging- God GET A GRIP!! It’s ONLY FOR A WEEKEND! Elizabeth gives Tom a picture of herself for Tom to take to New Orleans so he doesn’t forget her or something. Puh-leez. 

Jessica and Lila are at a Theta meeting, and Magda the president announces that the parlor room is going to be coverted to a single bedroom. Both Jessica and her arch-rival, Alison Quinn the bitch, are clamoring for that room.  Magda says that she pretty much knows that both Jessica and Alison want the room, but rather than assign the room Magda expects that Alison and Jess will work it out- boy, Magda is no Freshman Dorm Tri Beta prez Courtney Connor, that’s for damn sure! She knows full well Jessica and Alison hate each other-how will they work it out, exactly?

Tom arrives at the New Orleans airport and thinks about how the airport is musty smelling, dark and modern. Maybe this ghostwriter is trying to be spooky or whatever, but methinks that ghostie feels that New Orleans is much worse than Sweet Valley- of course anyplace on earth is worse than Sweet Valley, naturally.  Tom picks up a newspaper and it reads that a woman died from exsanguination… and Tom is all what’s that?  A creepy white man named Fortune comes to pick Tom up in a limo to bring him to the Des Perdu mansion. 

Elizabeth is back in her dorm room, all ” Tom are you thinking of me because I am thinking about you” thoughts in her head. Gag me.  Jessica announces that she has every intention of getting the vacant room in the Theta house,  and Elizabeth is all ” whatever.”

Tom is about to arrive at the mansion, and Tom thinks of how the air smells sweet yet not fresh, warm and seductive. What is with Tom and smell?  When Tom arrives at the mansion, it is like nothing he has ever seen.  Tom then meets a young housekeeper named Marielle who has very pale skin and gorgeous dark hair- she is your basic hottie.  Tom then meets Mr. Des Perdu, and Tom marvels at how ” most women would find Nicholas compellingly attractive”- basically, Tom thinks Nicholas is fuckin sexy. Nicholas has dark green eyes, dark, dark hair and extremely pale skin. Nicholas also wears a lot of black.  As Tom talks to Nicholas, Tom thinks how Nicholas is eccentric but magnetic and fascinating.  Nicholas then sees the picture that Tom has displayed of Liz, and Tom swears that he sees Nicholas looking at the picture and frowning…

We flash back to 1798, when Nicholas marries a gorgeous blonde named Lisette- and of course Lisette looks JUST LIKE ELIZABETH! So when Nicholas sees the picture of Elizabeth, he is convinced he is seeing his love, Lisette. 

Nicholas tells Tom that the next day, Tom is to do research at Tulane University.  Tom is now thinking about how much he misses Elizabeth, and Tom is supposed to call Liz but he is so tired that he goes to bed and does not call Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is in her dorm the next morning, doing more moonng over Tom and thinking about how much she misses him- SHIT IT’S TWO DAYS! Elizabeth and Tom SUCK!

Jessica is measuring the parlor room at the Theta house the next day when Alison spots her and asks Jessica what the hell she is doing. Alison and Jess exchange heated words. Moving on…

Tom is at the Tulane library ( was Gia still going there then? See my review for Deadly Things- or some similar title-shit I forgot the title but I did blog on that book featuring Gia/ Leslie) doing researching, and he starts getting all sweaty all of a sudden.  Elizabeth is also at the library, again mooning over Tom and how she feels such a true love for him- more love than she ever felt for Todd Wilkins. OUCH!

Tom goes back to the mansion, and marvels at how Nicholas has many old vampire books that must be hundreds of years old. OK so since we know Nicholas is totes a vampire, I do wonder why he has so many vampire books- does he forget how to do it?  Marielle is watching Tom all of a sudden, and Tom’s dick is totally getting hard.  Meanwhile, in Sweet Valley, Jess is getting ready to go out and tells Elizabeth ” if you hear weird noises in the middle of the night, don’t wake up-” DAMN- Jessica is a BAR HO- she takes home random dudes and fucks them!! WHOA!!!!! And Liz thinks  ” the scary thing is that it’d be just like Jessica”- DAMN!  Elizabeth decides to call Tom but the number is disconnected, and then when Liz tries to call directory assistance, the number is unlisted- but yeah methinks a world famous journalist wouldn’t have a listed number! 

Tom is back in New Orleans thinking about how he should call Elizabeth, but when he tries the phone does not work. Tom then sees Marielle in the hallway and is totally entranced. He follows Marielle into another room, and they start totally making out all of a sudden.  Tom has never felt such a hot rush of desire- gee kissing Liz isn’t wicked passionate? Marielle then gently bites Tom’s neck and he is all hot and bothered. Then Elizabeth’s face faces into Tom’s mind, and Tom pulls away from Marielle. When Tom returns to his room, he notices that Elizabeth’s picture is gone- who could have it? Of course, we know Nicholas has the photo- and again we flash back to Nicholas and Lisette.  Nicholas has to leave to put down a peasant uprising, and Lisette begs Nicholas not to leave, but he must go. Lisette promises Nicholas a second honeymoon.

Elizabeth is having a dream that a man, a pale man, is pulling her to him saying ” come to me” and Elizabeth wakes up in a cold sweat.  Jess then comes into the room, and so she does not wake up Liz, throws a scarf over the lamp. We can guess what will happen next.

Tom is finally done with his internship (I am really not sure what he learned) and Tom is so happy to be coming back to his Liz soon.  But then- Marielle tells Tom that his flight has been delayed due to a storm.  Tom asks Marielle if he can call Elizabeth, and Marielle says the phone lines were knocked down due to the storm. Tom then starts punching pillows because he can’t talk to Elizabeth or see her for a few more hours. Darn, darn, darn Tom!

So Elizabeth is telling her buddies the funny story of how the scarf Jess threw over the lamp caught fire, and Liz had to put it out with Jessica’s new leather jacket- imagine how NASTY that smelled. Really, it’s a who cares part of the book that I am not even sure should be part of my recap- but alas it is.  Tom goes to eat one last meal at a diner and sees an article about how another woman is dead- again from exsanguination!  It turns out that exsanguination means being bled to death- CREEEPPPYYYY! Tom decides that he can’t wait to leave New Orleans due to too many weird murders going on- murder NEVER happens in Sweet Valley!  Tom then goes into Nicholas’s basement and sees a weird box… hmmmm… Marielle then comes down saying Fortune is ready to take Tom to the airport.  Tom is glad he will never have to see Nicholas or Marielle again. Tom returns to Elizabeth and says he will never let her go again.  But ah- Nicholas is on a plane to Sweet Valley, determined to return to his Lisette…

Tom and Elizabeth are in the ballroom, and the lights flicker off again, like what happened when Jess and Elizabeth were there the last time.  Tom goes to change a fuse, and then Elizabeth thinks Tom has come back really quickly, and he starts kissing her more passionately than Tom has ever kissed Liz before. Liz thinks that Tom seems taller and thinner than usual- yeah ya blonde dimwit because it’s NOT TOM! And usually Tom knows to stop the kissing before he starts touching tit or something- they just can’t go that far. God Liz is an idiot.  Then the kiss is over. Then the real Tom comes back, and Tom asks if he can “sneak a kiss” and Liz liked the other kiss better. Oh, Lord-gee who was kissing Liz? Who knows???? God this book is sooo full of foreshadowing- and shit- OK again moving along…

Jessica is looking through magazines trying to figure out how to decorate the room in the Theta house , and we learn that she charged some of the furniture to Elizabeth’s credit card. God that’s shitty and wouldn’t Elizabeth be pissed?  Elizabeth walks into the room, and Jessica says that Liz was talking in her sleep last night. Jess said it sounded like French. Liz finds that awful odd…

Elizabeth is alone at the campus TV station office, when a tall, dark figure walks into the room. Lizzie has been cautious about strange men ever since William White stalked her and tried to kill her ( a William  White book review is coming soon!) Liz then sees a gorgeous man with dark hair, pale skin and black clothing and Liz is moist through her undies. Nicholas introduces himself, and says that Tom is in the running for some obscure local to New Orleans journalism award, and Nicholas has to learn everything about Tom for Tom to be considered for the award. Liz is so cautious that she agrees to go to coffee with a man she has never met in her life just to discuss Tom. Shit, Liz, and you wonder why men always try to kill you? Tom goes to Jess and Lizzie’s dorm room all popping a hemmerhoid because he hasn’t seen Liz since the morning, and Jessica says she doesn’t know where Elizabeth is. Tom is just so glad the twins are different- naturally no Sweet Valley twins, high or U book can go without mentioning how even though the twins are sooo beautiful, blonde and size 6 perfect, their personalities are very different. Blah blah blah.

As Nicholas and Liz have coffee, Nicholas is just so thrilled that Lisette came back into his life and she is as young and beautiful as ever. Liz is telling Nicholas about the William White incident for some bizarre ass reason, and how Tom saved her life. Nicholas says that death can be scary, but it can also be welcome, like a lover. Shit let a man tell me that scary crap and I’d run the hell out of that cafe! But Liz’s eyes are now glazed, as if she is entranced with Nicholas. Liz agrees to meet Nicholas at Moon Beach the next night.

Jess and Lila are moving crap into the parlor room at Theta, and Li  tells Jess she is going as Elvira to the Halloween party because it will sure get Bruce Patman, Lila’s man now- going! That sounds like a HAWT costume.  Jess says that she is worried about Liz because she always looks so tired these past 2 days and is talking in her sleep.  Elizabeth is at the station, and Tom asks Liz to go to a movie, but Liz says no as she is having dinner with Jess that night- NO WAY LIZ YOU ARE MEETIN NICK AT MOON BEACH FOR VAMPIRE LOVE!!! But of course Liz says the whole dinner bullshit and Tom is all crushed of course.  Liz is just too entranced by Nicholas to care about Tom’s crummy feelings.

Next, Jess is all pitched because Alison the Bitch took out Jess’s curtains and covered her furniture with a sheet.  As Jess is fuming, Tom runs into Jessica and asks about Liz. Jessica saw that  Elizabeth was wearing an outfit that is very Jessica like ( some black, short shirtdress)  and of course she tells Tom this!   Oooooh la- and jess later sees Liz getting into a Lotus Elan with a hot man and then  wonders  if Liz is two timing Tom- and then Jessica figures that Liz is just too boring to cheat on Tom 😉

Nicholas and Elizabeth have a picnic dinner and they enjoy some wine. Nicholas and Liz then start to make out and it’s so darn hot… and Tom is still trying to find Liz and going all fuckin nuts that he can’t find her. As an aside, I think Tom Watts sucks even more ass than Todd did- and I can’t STAND Todd!!  Meanwhile, as Liz and Nicholas make out, Nicholas feels Elizabeth’s pulse through her neck- but exercises self control and thinks ” not yet- soon.” And he then thinks of his Lisette again- how when Nicholas returned, he found out that everyone thought Nicholas was dead- including Lisette.  And because Lisette thought Nicholas was dead, she did not want to live without him and so she killed herself. Following Lisette’s death, Nicholas is very despondent and tries to kill himself with booze. Nicholas then meets Marielle, who bites his neck hard and causes that sweet pain that makes Nicholas immortal…. ( God I am writing like Francine Pascal!)

Elizabeth sees that 2 of the buttons on her dress are unbuttoned, and she stops Nicholas before it ” gets too far” saying she is just not ready and is sorry to ruin their evening. After Nicholas drops Liz off at SVU, he goes to some bar and meets a washed up blonde and they get drunk and…. gee what will happen to Ms. Washed Up?

Tom asks Liz to go to a movie at breakfast and Liz reluctantly agrees- yep Liz is blowing Tom off or else is not very jazzed to see him.  Jessica notices this and Liz denies it, but Liz thinks that when she is with Nicholas, it’s as if she’s in another universe. Jess also tells Liz to be careful alone, as a woman was found –  a dead woman- and she was bled to death. 

Jessica and her new man, Randy Mason, go to visit Jess’s new room- and Alison has made it look like a Laura Ashley showroom! THIS IS WAR! So Jessica brought her sleeping bag in order to claim her room.  That night, Elizabeth and Tom go to a horror movie and it’s about vampires and Liz makes Tom leave because the movie is dumb. Tom then asks Liz if she wants to go back to his room, and Liz does not have the energy to kiss Tom tonight.  Nicholas sees Liz kiss Tom goodnight, and is upset that Liz is cheating on him with another. Ugh. 

Elizabeth is having some odd dream where she is walking through woods. Tom is walking around and sees a shadowy figure outdoors that he thinks is Nicholas, but decides it cannot be. But as he is walking around Liz’s dorm building, he sees that Liz’s window is open, and her arms are outstretched and her face looks bloodless.  Liz actually LEANS OUT THE WINDOW , and Tom runs upstairs and gets into Liz’s room with the RA Caryn’s help and pulls her away from danger right as Elizabeth is going to fall out of the window!  Tom and Caryn tell Liz that she almost fell out of the window, and Elizabeth is like ” no, no.” Tom offers to stay with Liz tonight so she will be safe and Liz refuses- but Liz agrees to let Caryn stay for the night to keep her safe. Dissed and dismissed, Tom!  The next day at breakfast,  Tom tells Jess what happened the night before and Jessica becomes really worried. College Jess seems to be more into Liz’s welfare than high school Jess ever was!  Jess and Liz are decorating the ballroom for the party, and Jess talks about how Jess and Alison glared at each other from their sleeping bags all night- oh boy.  Jess also says how Randy’s dick will be so hard when he sees Jess in her Catwoman costume. Tom is reading about the lady who was bled to death  in Sweet Valley, and Tom is like wow the same murders are happening in Sweet Valley that happened in New Orleans- why?  Tom starts doing some research and first uncovers the fact that no article covers how old Nicholas Des Perdu is… just how old is he?

A whole bunch of white roses with one red rose arrive to the Wakefield dorm room, and the card says ” we’ll be together tonight- N. ” OOOOH who could it be? Elizabeth is intoxicated by the roses, and one thorn pricks her finger, and as Liz is sucking the blood Nicholas calls and is all ” we will never be parted again” and Liz cannot wait for tonight.

Tom goes to the Sweet Valley Grande and somehow gets a guest list and is going to do some more research to see if Nicholas Des Perdu is in Sweet Valley.  Meanwhile, Jessica goes to the Theta house and sees that Alison put locks on the room door! Jessica screams to Alison ” DROP DEAD”- hint-MAJOR FORESHADOWING!! MAJOR! Jessica then sees a man climb into Alison’s window and Jess is all ” Alison is a slut” and walks off as Alison says ” why hello…”

So it’s the party night and everyone looks great and is having tons of fun. Magda and Denise ( Denise as in Win Egbert’s woman) go to get Alison for the party- and both girls start to scream… Now, Tom cannot find Nick Des Perdu listed anywhere in the hotel listing- but he then sees a name called Ofthelost- OF THE LOST- that is Nicholas it has to be! Tom finds Jess at the party and tells Jessica that he thinks Nicholas is a vampire journalist, or journalist vampire or whatever and since Jess had her own vampire in high school, of course Jess buys it and decides to help Tom rescue Liz. Jess also learns that Alison was rushed to the hospital because she lost lots of blood- someone drained a lot of blood from Alison’s body- and they are not sure Alison will make it….

Elizabeth is entranced with Nicholas as they get on a plane to New Orleans to be together forever.  Tom and Jess get a plane to New Orleans to follow Nick and Lizzie after they realize Nicholas is taking Elizabeth to New Orleans.  Nicholas introduces Elizabeth to Fortune and Marielle as Lisette, and Elizabeth decides she loves this new name Nicholas gave her-groan. Elizabeth is thinking that she finally feels like a woman. Nicholas shows Liz to her own bed, and then goes to sleep in his coffin in the basement- the box that Tom saw, of course. 

The New Orleans cops are no help to Jessica and Tom- gee, New Orleans cops you aren’t buying the vampire story? Obviously you know nothing of what can happen in Sweet Valley!  Liz wakes up, sees Tom’s notes, and is like out of her trance from seeing Tom’s handwriting and realizes that she loves Tom and wonders what she is doing in that strange room. Nicholas then walks into the room and tells Liz to put on Lisette’s old wedding dress. Nicholas starts to kiss Liz again, and she feels a sharp bite on her neck! Liz’s body grows cold as 2 sharp marks appear on Liz’s neck. Liz pushes Nicholas as hard as she can and runs away.

Tom and Jessica run into the mansion, and Nicholas overpowers Tom and is whaling on Tom and Jess is swinging a candelabra like a baseball bat, and Nicholas is all confused wondering why ” Lisette” isn’t in her dress and Jessica is all ” Oh I wanted a casual look” – LOVE IT! Jess also thinks that Nick is a ” few accessories short of an ensemble” – HAH HAH! Tom does manage to run of the burning house ( the candelabria fell when Jess got all entranced by Nicholas’s eyes) with Liz in his arms, but Jess is still in there! As Nick is going to kiss Jessica, Tom swings an urn and clocks Nicholas with it- and then rescues Jessica as well as Liz. Now that is kick ass of Tom.

As Liz wakes up, she sees the home burning and thinks she sees a raven shadow- but then she does not see it again.

In the end, we find out that Alison will be fine, and Jessica does not want that room at all because of what happened to Alison in that room, so Jess will be in the dorm with Liz awhile longer. More white roses are delivered to Liz, and Jess throws them in the trash can- OMINOUS! Or else an ending fit for the end of a bad Lifetime movie.

Again I say- this book sucked even more ass than the movie ” Twilight.” Next, I will be reviewing a Sleepover Friends book- much lighter fare, and the story is cute. After that, I will be doing a LOT of BSC reviews,  as well as the SVU William White thriller- now THAT is a fuckin’ doozy. Be forewarned. I may also review the Christmas episode of the BSC television show- I saw that episode about 500 times when I was 13, and so did my sister and cousin!


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