Sweet Valley High #13- KIDNAPPED!

Ah, Kidnapped! How I loved to read thee all through elementary school- my old copy of the book was so trashed and eventually one of Elizabeth’s gorilla arms completely got peeled off and the cover then came off- sigh. But luckily for us all, E Bay had a copy of this book that I could read and share!

I don’t even know where to start with how utterly ridiculous this book. I probably won’t get too much into plot because most of you know it I am sure-what really stuck out is that this book is so utterly dumb it’s almost comical- I think even by the time I was reading it in sixth grade( after reading it quite a few times from 3rd-6th grade) I thought the book was stupid! Now the basic plot is that some mentally ill or mentally deficient in some way orderly at Joshua Fowler Hospital, Carl, becomes very obsessed with Liz. Jessica and Elizabeth are both orderlies at the hospital and for the first four pages, we have to be regaled with a full recap of the last book, where Jessica was trying to get in some talk show host’s pants named Jeremy Frank when he stayed at the hospital. After that recap, we are treated to the very Flowers in the Attic like reference whereby Steven has to zip up Jessica’ s very skimpy blue dress with the neckline that is ” as low as a sixteen year old can get away with” and Steven is wearing only a towel and bending over his six foot tall body to zip the zipper and thinking about how Jessica will get any man she wants wearing that titty-revealing number. But apparently Jessica only has her eye on one guy tonight- Jessica and Liz, and most of Sweet Valley High ( well the important contigent) are invited to a huge pool party at the Morrow house. This is where we meet Nicholas and Regina Morrow, and Regina is still deaf in this book. Jessica feels all bad for Regina that she is deaf, then instantly fears that Nicholas is deaf too- luckily for Jess I guess he is not. Well, anyway, all Jessica hears about the Morrows prior to attending this soiree is that they are very rich and that Nicholas is 18 and took a year off after high school to work for his dad’s computer company. Nicholas is also super hot, and Regina is a hottie in her own right. Kurt and Sky Morrow, Nicholas and Regina’s parents, are also gorgeous- Sky used to be a model, as a matter of fact.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth promised to cover for another candy striper at the hospital, so she’s still at work as Jessica is getting ready for the party.  Elizabeth then promised Mr. Collins that she would help tutor Max Dellon, as he’s failing English and can’t play for the Droids if he gets a failing grade, per his dad. Mr Dellon always complains about Max’s motorcyle and long hair- he’s so the dad in the ” We’re Not Gonna Take It” video! Elizabeth was to be home by the time Jessica was finished getting all sexi-fied for the bash, and Jessica is a little worried when she is not, but then figures Liz either worked later than planned or is spending extra time trying to get Max to understand ” Othello” and just jets off to the party despite her slight worries.  Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield are out that night. We have to hear about how Alice Wakefield has been soooo overprotective of Elizabeth since her motorcyle accident ( God someday I HAVE to review ” Dear Sister” as I do have it somewhere!) but at the same time Alice seems to be out carousing quite a bit.

Where can Liz be?? Well remember the aforementioned Carl the orderly? He spotted Elizabeth at her car, and covered her mouth with a chloroform rag and forced her into his car! Yep, she was KIDNAPPED! Carl kidnaps Elizabeth because she was nice to him once at work and he believes he is in love with her. He’s rather delusional, that much is obvious. He lives in a hovel of a house in the woods, and when Elizabeth wakes up she’s tied to a chair in Carl’s crappy house.  Elizabeth mentions that she has to use the bathroom  which only has happened here and in that Sweet Valley Twins book Jessica’s Secret- remember she went potty and got her period? and Carl unties her enough so that she can pee, and she’s hoping for an escape route in the bathroom but there is none. Elizabeth is stuck, and since Carl lives way out in the boonies, she realizes she can’t well run outside and ask for help. At one point, Carl tosses Elizabeth on the couch with anger as she starts screaming and bolts to the door, and it’s then that even at age 9 I was like HOLY SHIT LIZ IS GOING TO GET RAPED???? But noooo- he just lectures Elizabeth saying she can’t leave as she’s in the woods and no one would find her anyway, and Carl is going to give her a dream life and she will never want to leave. For Carl, a dream life includes frozen pancakes and books about how to care for farm animals. Liz is all upset over having to eat pancakes that are not freshly made from Alice Wakefield’s kitchen but shit it could be worse- Carl is feeding her and frozen pancakes are pretty good- not as good as Eggo waffles but whatevs. And the farm animal book? Well Carl hears that Elizabeth loves to read, and Carl cannot read, so he grabbed three books out of the hospital gift shop at random- the farm animals book, a book on investing ( too bad Suze Orman wasn’t around then- that would have been a great book!) and some book on fairy tales. I would have liked the fairy tales book- I used to read those to my little sis all the time! Elizabeth’s hands are still tied up but are looser so that she can turn pages. I am still in disbelief that Carl kidnaps Liz, doesn’t want ransom and never even tries to sexually assault her- he just touches her hair- which as we learn in Double Jeopardy is a major violation of a Wakefield twin.  Elizabeth learns that when you are nice to random orderlies who may be mentally ill or ” slow” ( hard to say which or if it’s both) you are destined to be kidnapped. We also learn that the Wakefield twins are so darn sexy that no man can resist them!

Well back to the Morrow party. Todd is freaked that Liz hasn’t showed up the Morrow party. Jessica is very blase over this and is still trying to get into Nicholas’ pantalones. Todd is pissed that Jess will not listen to him at all, and pushes her into the pool- which is rather priceless. What is not priceless is that when Max Dellon gets worried about Liz ( as she never showed up to tutor him) Max gets this harebrained idea to drive to the hospital and search Elizabeth’s car for clues. Kinda odd, but no crime. Well the police think Max  is suspicious because some cop hates Max and they question him but he’s never arrested. Todd doesn’t give a crap that the police let Max go and at school Monday ( where Liz is still missing) Todd punches Max, convinced he hurt Elizabeth though he had no stinkin evidence! This is when Todd really starts to suck ass- he’s rather likeable in Sweet Valley Twins and Kids- well in Kids sometimes 😉 Jessica, of course, gets Todd and Max to stop fighting by saying peace loving Lizzie would never want Max and Todd to fight. Jessica suggests going to the hospital after school and questioning employees who may have worked the night Elizabeth did to see if they can find clues as to where Elizabeth could be. When Todd, Max and Jess get to the hospital Carl the orderly is there- and he FREAKS when he sees Jessica, somehow thinking that Elizabeth escaped him- yeah some stalker- he apparently followed Elizabeth for weeks but had no effin clue she had a twin? So as Jessica distracts Carl,  Max knocks Carl down when he’s about to grab Jessica and Carl confesses to them as Max screams for Todd to call the cops. Carl is arrested, and Elizabeth is found!!! As soon as Elizabeth gets home she just wants to take a bubble bath and plan the best party ever – and she briefly says it was a harrowing ordeal to be away from her friends and family for three days and she hated eating frozen pancakes and fast food and not having access to TV and being tied to a chair and all that. Elizabeth also complains she had to wear the damn candy striper uniform for three days, and must burn it instantly! PTSD does NOT exist in Sweet Valley not at all!!!

And in the end, Nicholas Morrow comes over to see Jessica, and sees Elizabeth and just by looks ( keeping in mind that Jess sand Liz are fucking identical twins) he instantly falls for Elizabeth- yep two men in one book fall under Elizabeth’s spell!!! Go figure!! And that introduces Sweet Valley High #14 Deceptions – which I may have read once and I don’t think I was a fan. Nicholas Morrow bored me even as a kid- though I adored Regina.

May I also mention that I loved Max Dellon as a kid and was pissed that he was barely mentioned again- he never really had his own plot- it was always all about Dana Larson most of the time!!! BOOO DANA- not a huge fan!

Hmm in about a week to a week and a half I shall be recapping ” Stacey’s Ex Best Friend” a BSC book in honor of Valentine’s Day as it takes place during Valentine’s Day. After that- another Valentine’s Day inspired book- Elizabeth’s First Kiss, which is a Sweet Valley Twins book. Some future books to be recapped are  Sweet Valley Kids Book #3 The Twins’ Mystery Teacher,  Freshman Dorm #3 Freshman Guys, BSC #87 Stacey and the Bad Girls, Sweet Valley Kids #38 Good Bye, Eva? ( don’t leave Eva Simpson I love you!) and BSC #60- a FAB book- Mary Anne’s Makeover!

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12 Responses to “Sweet Valley High #13- KIDNAPPED!”

  1. It’s kind of fun to think about how much therapy the Wakefields would need if they didn’t live in the magical land of Sweet Valley.

    • girltalkread Says:

      PTSD doesn’t exist in Sweet Valley- thank God what with all the multiple kidnappings, attempted rapes and evil twins!

  2. I loved that you said pantalones. That made me snort cherry coke out of
    my nose.

    Todd tossing Jess in the pool is such a classic SVH moment, loves it!

  3. perfectsize12 Says:

    Oh my god, I loved this book too. I reread it all the time between third and sixth grade. My copy is pretty worn out.

    I love how everyone in Sweet Valley throws parties to get over traumatic incidents. Remember the one where the Morrows were kidnapped. After the twins rescued them, they immediately began planning a party. Or how about Lila’s Story, when George Fowler finds out that the woman he loved was only after his money? He turns the would-be wedding into a party for Lila.

  4. Lindsay a.k.a Busty St. Clair Says:

    Oh, man, I read this book waaaaaay too many times in my life.

    I remember the touching of hair by Carl and remember it really creeped me out. And to this day anytime I hear the word “chloroform”, I think of this book. I’m not sure if that’s a sign of mental illness or not.

    Ha, you said pantalones. That’s way above the level of awesome in my book.

  5. Ooh MA’s Makeover–my fave BSC book of all time! Can’t wait for that one.

  6. I remember reading this when I, too, was in elementary school and being horrified as Elizabeth scratches into the wall with her fingernail to mark off her days in captivity, so she doesn’t lose count and go insane. Now as an adult I realize she was only missing for like 40 hours and all her kidnapper tried to do was feed her pancakes so really, she had it pretty easy. I would love for someone to kidnap me and feed me pancakes. Then I wouldn’t have to go to work and could taste the sweet bliss of carbs.

    • girltalkread Says:

      Calico Drive- yeah I mean at 16 a creepy orderly taking you to his tiny house and feeding you pancakes seems really skeevy- but yeah now I’d be like hmmm you just want to feed me pancakes and fast food and I don’t have to work? bring it on! 😉 God we are so bad!

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