Sweet Valley Saga- The Wakefield Legacy

By the time the Sweet Valley Sagas came out, I had stopped reading Sweet Valley High books and had graduated to ” Freshman Dorm” ( reviews will be out on Book 1 of Freshman Dorm SOON) and John Grisham books. And I will not be reviewing any John Grisham in this blog- sorry! Well here comes the review of The Wakfield Legacy, which chronicles the lives of the Wakefield men ( and one woman!), Ned Wakefield’s side of the family.

We start with the tale of Theodore Wakefield, who was born and raised in Wakefield, England in the late 1800’s! Yes, apparently there is a Wakefield, England and a Wakefield Manor, where Thedore resides with his older brother James,  his father the Earl of Wakefield, and his mother Lady Sarah Wakefield.  James stands to inherit Wakefield Manor as the eldest son, and he is bethrothed to Katerina, some German chick who is a member of the German royal family. Katerina is 16, ten years younger than James, and of course Kat and James are so not in love with each other.

So, Theodore and James have some big argument because Theodore has become friends with Katerina and knows that James doesn’t even love her and it upsets ol’ Theo.  James pretty much tells Theodore to mind his own business, and after that James goes and mounts the rather tempremental horse, Raven, and Raven gallops off and drives james into a wall- SPLAT! God I am mean. So yeah now James is dead, and the Earl of Wakefield tells Theodore that he must go and marry Katerina. But Theodore does not want to marry Katerina because he does not love her. The Earl and Theodore have a major row, Theo tells the Earl to fuck off, and he is leaving for the US and A!!

So while Theodore is on the ship to go to the USA, he rescues a gorgeous blonde and a little boy, and the gorgeous blonde is Alice Larson ( Alice Larson aka Alice Wakefield’s great great grandma!) Alice is quite the sexy Swedish meatball, and Theodore wants to marry Alice almost as soon as they meet, but they cannot marry because no one on the ship can marry them. When Theodore and Alice land in the USA, Theodore has to be quarantined because they suspect he may have TB, and he is seperated from Alice- OH NOES! And he continues to try to find Alice, and now it’s 1884 and Theodore has still not found Alice, but he did find work as a horse trainer in the circus, yes Theo Wakefield is a horse whisperer.  Bitchin’ times.  Theodore has made friends with a pretty 16 year old half Indian ( as in Native American, but The Wakefield Legacy calls her half Indian) gal named Dancing Wind, a trapeze artist in the circus. Dancing Wind clearly loves Theodore, but like a weirdo he is still pining after Alice Larson.

One day at the circus, a little girl named Jessamyn ( I kind of like that name!) says she is here at the circus with her Swedish mommy, and Jessamyn has those blonde, blue eyed good looks just like… Alice the Swedish meatball gal on the ship! So Theo is going nuts trying to see if he can locate Alice, even though Dancing Wind is all HELLO BUDDY obviously Alice now has kids and is married so give the fuck up- and he doesn’t, and because Dancing Wind is so pissed and wants Theodore’s attention, she attempts a wicked risky move on the trapeze- and ends up falling and seriously injuring her hips and back to the point where she can no longer perform her duties.  As we can guess, a damsel in distress turns Theodore on, so he goes running to Dancing Wind and realizes that he does really love her, and he tells her that he cannot live without her, and they get a married! Yes a Wakefield marries a half Indian woman!!!!!!!!

Dancing Wind ends up preggers with twins, and naturally since no minority can last long in Wakefield world, Dancing Wind croaks right after giving birth to twins named James and Sarah. Theodore can never love again, and he is left to care for the twins alone. As we learn, there are MANY twins in the Wakefield/ Larson family- it’s kinda creepy, really.

 

So on to the story of Sarah Wakefield, who is definitely the most bitchin’  Wakefield in this series.  It’s 1905, and Sarah lives quite the charmed life with James, her twin, and Theodore. Sarah is very head strong, passionate, and even a feminist- yes a feminist in the Wakefield family- Sarah feels women should be able to vote!  Sarah falls in love with Edward Brooke,  who is a farmhand on the Wakefield property. Sarah and Edward start to meet in secret, and Sarah and Edward fall in love before you know it.  When Sarah tells ol’ Theo that she plans to marry Edward, Theodore becomes ENRAGED and says Sarah is NOT to marry him! Yeah Theodore left England so he would not be forced to marry a woman he did not love, and then he tells Sarah she cannot marry a man she loves, and she should marry some local rich dickhead instead. I HATED this part of the plot with a passion- wouldn’t Theodore be the last one to tell his daughter to not marry the man she loves? And he’s all ” oh you should marry an educated, rich man” blah blah blah and he is basically being a total ass.  Sarah rightfully points out that Theo is being a dick, but to no avail. So Sarah and Edward run off to get married in San Francisco, and they are caught in the 1905 San Francisco earthquake, and Edward dies a tragic death trying to save others from the rubble. But not before Sarah and Edward have one night of passionate sex and have a marriage ” ceremony”  ( they basically declare their undying love for each other as the world quakes around them) and yes- this means that Sarah Wakefield had sex OUT OF WEDLOCK!!!

 

Meanwhile, you may be wondering what happened to Sarah’s twin, James. James died tragically from influenza, which broke Sarah’s heart of course. Men named James do not fare well in this novel, for sure.  But back to Sarah b/c she is just that bitchin’.

Sarah arrives home and is getting constant morning sickness, but she does not know that’s what it is. So Theo takes Sarah to the doc, and the doc says ” Oh you are pregnant” but of course that’s great because Theo assumed Sarah and Edward were hitched when Eddie boy bit the dust, and of course they were not legally wed and Sarah tells her dad that. WHY SARAH WHY? Just let Daddy Wakefield believe that you two were hitched, Sarah! Theodore gets wicked pissed and makes Sarah leave the house because what will the neighbors think? Umm Theo don’t tell them, you dick! GRRR I HATE Theodore Wakefield now! So Sarah does run off, and she decides that she is not going to tell her baby that she is his or her mom- she will say that she is the aunt so that the child does not have the shame of growing up out of wedlock.  Couldn’t she just make her kid believe that she was married to Eddie, and given the kid the last name Brooke? Ah, I guess if Sarah did that, we wouldn’t have a Wakefield saga, it’d be a Brooke saga, and  that would just suck.

It’s 1924, and Sarah Wakefield and her son, Ted Wakefield ( named after Edward, not Theodore) are living in Chicago during the Jazz Age and Prohibition. Ted is an aspiring journalist ( now we know where Liz Wakefield got it from!) and Ted is working at one of those jazz clubs to earn his own money, because he knows ” Aunt Sarah” struggles. Well, Ted does find out who Aunt Sarah really is, because Theodore dies and sends Sarah all this money, and she has to tell Ted where it came from. Ted is pissed off at first, but he eventually understands why Sarah did what she did.

Ted starts to write reviews on the club he works for, and of course they are published in the local newspaper and he is all jazzed about that. ; ) He also makes friends with a black woman named Tina, but of course Tina and Ted are so not going to make a sexy time.  Ted goes off to Rosse College in Ohio, and makes friends with a Harry Watson. Harry insists that Ted meet his hottie twin sisters ( and this is Harry saying that his sisters are total hot- CREEPY!) Yeah, Harry, pimping out your high school age twin sisters to your roomie is kinda creepy, pal! Kinda REALLY creepy! So Ted meets both twins, and Harry intended for Ted to fall in love with Samantha, the gal who wants to be an actress and has her hair cut in the flapper style, but Ted falls for Amanda,  the more bookish, sensitive twin.  But Ted and Amanda cannot tell Samantha that they are in love because it will hurt Samantha and all. Ummm how well did Samantha know Ted?  Was she that invested?? Whatever.  And wouldn’t Sam eventually find out that Ted and Amanda wanted to be together forever and all? SHEESH!

Well Samantha finds out, is pissed, and gets Ted framed, and she pretends to be Amanda ( both gals have flapper haircuts at this point) and it’s Prohibition and Ted is caught with all of this booze in the car, and he calls Amanda a big betrayer, and Ted goes off to Detroit, and becomes a professional journalist. He also meets a very awesome gal named Julia Marks, who is also a journalist who is very passionate about her career. Of course, Ted and Julia stay friends for a wicked long time because Ted is all peeved over the way Amanda betrayed him blah blah blah but FINALLY Ted realizes that Julia kicks ass and they get a married! WOOO FINALLY Ted woke up!

So it’s 1937, and Julia and Ted live with their 9 year old son, Robert. Julia is working on a big story about Germany, and while she is in Germany she talks about how there is all of this persecution of Jews over there, and it’s really disturbing.  Julia is due to arrive home, and Ted is very pleased. But on the day that Julia is due to arrive is the day of the HINDENBERG DISASTER and yes kids Julia is blown up in that disaster, in front of Ted and little Robert. There is way too much death in this book!!!

So it’s 1943, and Robert should be 15 but according to the book he is sixteen–fine, if they insist. Robert makes up his date of birth on the Navy enlistment forms so that he can fight in World War II. Ted does not want him to go, but finally he acquiesces and allows Robert to fight.

So Robert is on the SS Richmond in the South Pacific, and Robert is communicating with a female POW in the Phillipines so that they can figure out how to rescue these women that are all POW’s there.  The POW is a hottie redhead named Hannah Weiss, and she is JEWISH!! Yes, this means that Ned Wakefield is a Jew- because if the mom is Jewish guess what- that makes you a Jew! Who knew that Jess and Elizabeth Wakefield were a quarter Jewish?

 

Well through the radio communications, Robert and Hannah fall in love as they start discussing other things besides military strategies. SOOOO ROMANTIC! Luckily, when the POW’s are finally rescued, and Robert and Hannah meet, neither are disappointed in the other’s looks. And Robert cannot wait to marry Hannah, so he proposes to Hannah as soon as they meet and they marry right on the ship going home to the US and A!!!! Ummm earlier didn’t they say that’s not allowed and that is why Alice Larson and Theo Wakefield couldn’t marry?? Ah, whatevs I guess.

So Hannah’s brother and his wife have a daughter named Rachel, and Hannah and Robert have Ned for a son.

It is now the early 1960’s, and Ned Wakefield and Rachel Weiss are high school seniors. Hank Patman is a classmate of theirs, and he’s a dick as you would guess. One day, Ned sees a kid his age working in the fields, and he finds out the kid is a migrant farmworker from Ecuador, and the kid is not allowed to go to school due to his migrant status.  This pisses Ned off, and Ned and Rachel want to have a petition to allow migrant children to attend school, but Hank and his cronies all vote against it. Grrr Hank Patman sucks ass.

So we are now at Sweet Valley University, and Ned is a total hippie who is a pre law major who hopes to work in some kind of meaningful law. Ned even has a ponytail!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Rachel is also an activist hippie, and there is another gal at the school named Becky Foster who starts annoucing that she is no longer some debutante bitch- she is now a hippie gal named ” Rainbow” and she is calling herself Rainbow because she learned that she is one sixteenth Native American- WHAT THE FUCK?? Allison Cloud from Girl Talk is 100 percent Native American, and her name ain’t Rainbow! Well, Rachel sees right through Becky/Rainbow and knows it’s an act, but Ned is of course thinking with his hippie cock, and he total falls for it and thinks Becky is into causes and shit now.   Becky/Rainbow reveals to Rachel that she is pretty much using Ned to get good grades in school,  and she knows that Ned will fall for that hippie dippie crap. Well, Ned soon sees that Rainbow is full of shit because Ned and his buddies get arrested during a Vietnam War protest on campus that he has Becky/ Rainbow attend with him, and Rainbow is all pissy over being arrrested and calls her rich judge daddy to bail her right out. BOO RAINBOW! That’s what you get for following your pointer through life, Ned!

One day on the beach, Ned sees a woman drowning and rescues her- wow just like Theo Wakefield rescued Alice Larson MANY moons ago! And GUESS WHAT- this gal is a gorgeous blonde named ALICE ROBERTSON!!!! Yes, ALICE! Of course, Ned is in LUV right away, but is soon crushed to learn that Alice is dating Hank Patman- worse she is ENGAGED to Hank!!

So ummm yeah you all know how this will end- right after college, Alice is due to marry Hank and on their wedding day, Alice ditches Hank at the altar, and runs to Ned with her wedding dress on and no shoes,  because Ned left her some message a few days earlier saying that if Alice ever needed him he was there- and yeah at that time Alice and Ned barely knew each other, but I guess Alice found that wicked sexy ( I believe that runs in the family, as her daughter later finds stalker-ish Mike McAllery sexy as hell) and as you obviously know Ned and Alice marry soon after, and the book ends with Ned making law partner, and Alice annoucing that there will be a new addition to the family- Ned and Alice already have a perfect son named Steven, and Alice is pregnant again! Ned hopes it will be a girl who looks just like Alice- turns out you got TWO girls, Neddy boy!!!

The Sweet Valley Saga book was OK. The history was sort of fun to read about, and I did love me some Rachel Weiss, Julia Marks and Sarah Wakefield! Too bad the men were mostly boring turds.

 

Next, I will be reviewing my first Baby Sitters Club book Get Well, Mallory and after that- I will be reviewing a Sweet Valley U Thriller- and I actually enjoy the SVU thrillers more than the actual SVU series! And yes Freshman Dorm is soon to follow, kids- TRUST ME!