Sweet Valley High- Bitter Lesbians- I Mean Bitter Rivals- Book 29



Our book begins with Jessica, Elizabeth and Enid hanging out by the Wakefield pool. Liz is very excited to announce that Amy Sutton, aka Lizzie’s bestest girlfriend from 6th grade, is moving back to CA from Connecticut! Dyan Sutton, Amy’s mom and a famous newscaster, apparently, got a gig at a station in CA  and could not resist moving back to Sweet Valley- in a house right near the Wakefields’! Liz is very ginormously excited and seems to be getting a clit boner over this news. Jessica is like yeah Amy Sutton is TRES boring who the fuck cares and Enid-well Enid does not seemed too jazzed because to her three is totally a crowd.


Meanwhile, Jessica and Cara Walker are going to have a column called ” Dear Miss Lovelorn” in the Oracle newspaper. Jessica is very excited to be dispensing love advice to all of the lovelorn fools at SVH- this becomes important later.


Enid and Elizabeth have been planning to go on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, since Enid’s very hip and young Aunt Nancy has a cabin up there, and Aunt Nancy said Enid could bring a friend, and Enid has no other friends except Liz so who the hell else would she invite?  Enid and Elizabeth are planning on going skiing a week from Sunday- BUT OH NOES! Liz and Enid CAN’T go skiing that weekend after all because that is the day that bitchin’ Amy Sutton is returning to SVH after a long hiatus! Enid is visibly upset by this, but Liz says that Amy Sutton just rocks and Enid will love meeting her.


At school the next day, another party of Lila’s is the talk of the town. Jessica is planning to wear the coolest costume ever but cannot reveal what the costume will be. Lila is very EXCITE because her sexy college age cousin Christopher is able to attend ” the biggest bash in month” and he is a master yachtsman and overall wicked sexy dude- in fact since this is Lila’s cousin it’s rather odd how Lila is all saying  Christopher is sexy and shit.

Now on page 19 we start to get a glimpse of how much Enid crushes on Lizzie Wakefield. Enid is very “possessive” of Elizabeth for one, and sharing Liz with a twin is only natural  but with some bitch who is not even related to Elizabeth? OH HELL TO THE NIZZO! And OK for a long time Elizabeth had Todd Wilkins and Enid had George, but now that Todd left town and George is now banging the former fatty Robin Wilson, Enid and Liz now spend EVERY weekend together, and Enid has grown very ” dependent” on her good friend Elizabeth.


Now to continue the B plot aka the Miss Lovelorn article, Jessica is thinking about how she really wants to get with Jay McGuire, a hottie junior boy. But this Jay is dating Denise Hadley, a sexy redhead with a great figure but she is a SENIOR and come on she is a whole year OLDER than Jay!!! This cannot work! Jessica is Jay’s age and therefore Jessica should have him! Well, Jessica is going to figure out a way to make Jay hers! Jessica is going to publish a letter from a ” senior girl” who worries that her ” younger” junior year BF is too immature, and this gal is gonna go to college next year and who wants a man in high school when you are in college? And of course the other letter will discuss how a ” junior boy” is dating a senior and he feels she is too old- blah blah blah. Good one Jessica!! And of course Jay and Denise have a big argument once each one sees the other’s ” letter” and instead of actually discussing the letters and asking ” gee did you write this?” they jump to conclusions and break up, naturally.  So Jessica will get to go in for the kill…


But back to Amy, Liz and Enid. It’s Saturday and Amy calls to say she has ARRIVED already!!! When Liz goes over to Amy’s she is stunned- Amy is now a total knockout!! Certainly not the tomboy Lizzie knew and loved in 6th grade! Liz then asks Amy to come over and spend the night… but hmmm Liz thinks she may be forgetting something…. she was supposed to meet a certain Enid Rollins somewhere… oh yes the beach!And Liz TOTALLY forgot because she only had Amy Sutton on her mind! Liz tries to call Enid, but the phone just rings and rings.

When Amy gets to Liz’s, Amy, Jessica and Elizabeth are poring over old junior high yearbooks and laughing, and Liz is thinking- Wow Jessica and Amy are getting along really well- this is weird…. and Amy seems VERY boy crazy! But Liz thinks ” With Amy’s looks, she must attract so much attention!”- like from YOU Elizabeth????


So the next day Liz finally reaches Enid and says she is soooo sorry but Amy came a day earlier, and Liz HAD to welcome Amy back, and Amy is so hot- well Liz didn’t say that last part but that’s what she meant. And we all know that Enid Rollins is no hottie! Naturally Enid forgives Liz right away, and Liz then says she will invite Amy out to breakfast with Enid and Liz and it will be TOTES fun! Enid doesn’t think so but naturally b/c she is a total pussy doormat, she goes along with it.


So Amy, Liz and Enid are at the diner and Amy barely eats anything because she cannot allow herself to weigh over 110 lbs. Ame, do you know Robin Wilson? Ya all should barf out your Rice Krispies together. Enid is drizzling about 20 piles of syrup onto her pancakes as Amy says this- God Amy is a cunt.  Diner breakfasts are for chowin’ down!

So Monday arrives and it’s Amy’s first day of school and Amy is already impressing the entire student body- BOYS AND GIRLS! Cara and Lila love Amy as much as Jess seems to, and of course Amy soon pretty much leaves Liz in the cold while she starts to hang out with Lila, Cara and Jessica. For some reason, Liz is not getting that Amy has WICKED changed- not even when Amy says she wants to be a cheerleader ( although Amy was on the cheer squad at Sweet Valley MS so ghostwriter- HELLO- Amy wanting to cheer now is not so odd)  and not even when all Amy will talk about is boys, boys and more boys, and sometimes lipstick. Liz is totally determined to keep Amy as a friend although it’s painfully obvious that Amy is pretty much using Liz and doesn’t seem to have much use for her anymore- Amy keeps dissin’ Liz at lunch, one night they are supposed to catch a movie and Amy totally stands Elizabeth up- but I guess Liz is trying to find that old, flat haired, tomboy that’s inside Ms Sutton SOMEWHERE! And poor Enid is pretty much being ignored here but of course Enid doesn’t say anything- maybe Enid figures Liz will come back to her loving arms eventually….


Well back to Plot B- Jessica has convinced Jay McGuire to take her on a date and they end up at Miller’s Point- woooooooooooooooooo. Jay is talking about how he misses Denise, blah blah blah and Jessica pretty much says she hears Denise is 100 percent over Jay and well fuck Denise basically- or rather don’t fuck Denise- and Jay and Jess make out.


Remember that Lake Tahoe ski trip? Enid asks Liz when they can go again and Liz says she invited Amy along if that’s OK and they can go next weekend Amy said it’s fine with her! Not that the Ame-ster seemed that enthused but Liz is dense as fuck in this book. Enid is all thinking ” groan, not Amy the skinny, no syrup tight ass” but says nothing, because Liz soo wants for E and A to be buddies, ya know????  When Liz mentions the ski trip to Amy again, Amy is all ” oh it’s THAT weekend? ” But it’s Lila’s BITCHIN party hello!” And Liz doesn’t really care about that since Lila has parties well almost every weekend but according to both Amy and Jessica this is THE party! So because Liz has to change the ski trip AGAIN so Ame can go to Lila’s party, Enid is totes pissed and Enid and Liz argue and now they are not talking! And oh Jess convinces Jay to take her to Li’s party.


So uh yeah finally it’s the night of Lila’s party of- the book- really, and it is already planned in advance that Amy will get  set up with Li’s hottie cousin Chris. So I guess if Christopher found another girl there more attractive than Amy oh fuckin well b/c Jessica, Lila and Amy say that Christopher MUST have Amy!! Jessica is going to this costume party as Cleopatra- wow how awesome and original- and Liz is just so bummed and what the hell since Liz was SUPPOSED to be skiiing, she goes to the party as a skier!

Lila sounds like she is wearing some ugly Princess Diana like dress ( ah it was the 80’s) and Sutton’s ballerina costume sounds halfway cute. Funny how in Sweet Valley Twins, Amy is the worst ballet dancer in the class!!  Cara Walker and her man Steven ( aka the twins’ bro who just loves high school pussy) go as Raggedy Ann and Andy- God how LAME! And Christopher is Prince Charming- YUM! Sooo…. Enid also shows up to Li’s party as- A SKIER!! AWWWW HOW FUCKING CUTE!!!! Lizzie and Enid MATCH- and they make up and get all cuddly- wuddly and practically make out. But then Elizabeth tells Enid that Prince Charming totally is wantin’ Enid- and Enid is like HOLY SHIT Christopher was once my ski instructor- and Chris and Enid are sooo hitting it off and Enid is getting all hot and bothered as is Chris- but no no Chris is Amy’s “Man” bitches!!!! And Amy asks Chris for one little dance and Chris is like OK and then after that Amy fuckin threatens Enid pretty much telling Enid to stay the fuck away from Liz and Chris as Chris is hers and Liz doesn’t much like her either – and Enid is all upset b/c one Chris all danced with Amy and two this is not the first time Sutton threatened to bitch slap Enid if Enid hung around Liz- WTF??? Amy had threatened her BEFORE and this is the first we are hearing about it???????? DAMN! But of course Enid says nada about this.


So Amy then convinces Chris to take her home b/c she told him there’s no room in Lizzie’s car. And Liz is all but Chris likes Enid and Enid likes Chris and Amy is like WHATEVER FUCK ENID and Liz FINALLY sees that Amy is a total cunt bag slut!! And Enid ends up going home w/ Liz- so in yo FACE Amy!!! And the next day Enid says Chris called her and wants to take her out- and we never hear about Chris again.


As for Jess and Jay- Jay sees Denise at the party with some other stud and gets pissy and starts crying and has to leave! PUSSY ASS JAY- he CRIED! And then there were these 2 letters that Jay and Denise really wrote both basically saying that they want each other back and Jess accidentally publishes the letters and so uh yeah Jay and Denise get back together  and Jess is all alone- well Jess has Amy!!


And a preview for book 30- nominations for Pi Beta Alpha are coming up, and of course jess and Li will nominate Amy, and there is one more spot that this sexy gal Jean West would be great for of course, and naturally her best friend in PBA, Sandy Bacon, will totally nominate her- but shit Jean is like fucking perfect and Sandy thought the sorority was hers alone… so what will Sandy do?????


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